Being home. November 2, 2011

I didn’t feel like I was at home until I was at his house and with him. I guess its because its the only thing still consistent about my life. All my other relationships are strained by distance except for that one.

Walking into my own bedroom feels strange. The walls are bare. No Air Force flag, no Colors, nothing. My bed itself is rather uncomfortable, I found myself waking up through the night constantly– it felt far too large to not have someone next to me. I think that’s one of the reasons I tend to move to my sister’s room at night. The floor always looks like it been freshly vacuumed but it has really been weeks. (My mother keeps the door shut while I’m not around.) It’s just very strange.

Looking into my closet makes me worry though. I have so many more things since I came to college, not just clothes but some of everything. I think its one of the only reasons I won’t like being at home when I do go back from longer breaks. Having all my stuff in one place. Bleh.

I love being able to leave my room and have a whole house full of different places to go. Here, if I don’t feel like going outside, my choices are other dorm rooms or the lounge. And even then, many of my friends live elsewhere so its hard to avoid the dreaded cold. There is no beautiful yard to admire while getting lost in thought on a swing. Just the clank of a train as it goes by is here to rattle my brain. I would trade being able to go walk into my friend’s room for being able to walk into my grandparent’s room instantly. I feel like I’m missing out on so many little family moments. (Interestingly enough, they are very rare, even when I am home so I’m not truly missing much.)

On a side note: My parents seem to be much more lenient than they once were, each time I go home I’m allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 if I have a good arguable reason. That sounds like nothing, but it would have been unheard of in the past. I suspect they allow me to get away with such things because they want me to be happy. They want me to keep coming back to this place and calling it home.

Hurt. July 14, 2011

I only ever blog when I’m feeling down.

I have a few things on my mind.

My sister, him, the person I call my best friend, the other person I call my best friend.

I guess I have people on my mind. And loneliness.

I want to go sleep in my grandparent’s room, but the kitchen is a dangerous place to walk through when I’m feeling like this.

I’ve come so far. I will not give in to this now.

Tomorrow will be good. It has to be.

“Just the thought of you can make me smile.” November 17, 2010

This song has been stuck in my head all day long. Just a few more days until I can see one of the most important people in my life. Smiling is what defines our relationship; even during our tough times there have been tearful smiles. I really wonder why though that a few weeks ago I began to miss him so much. I was fine before that knowing that I would see him when I see him. I’m sure it relates to the backwards steps that I feel I have taken since this summer when I started to think about things differently, when I started to grow up. Instead of becoming more mature, I have spiraled downward to where I am now. It sort of makes me nervous to think that I won’t be able to get back up to my wonderfully productive days; I miss the days that consisted of school, work, internship, homework, sleep. Well really I miss the ability to excel during those days. Busyness used to define me, now I’m just burned out.

This morning I woke to the shrill sound of my phone alarm. I was annoyed that my phone was buried under the mountain of blankets and pillows that I sleep with. After locating it and taking one look at my phone I saw that today was going to be just as awful as yesterday. I hurried to call my friend and get her to my house so I could drive her to school. We needed to talk.

It turned out to be not so bad though. I was just scared of everyone being mad at me for being so weak.

Talking about things used to be so easy. These days I find myself just wanting to curl up with a blanket and paper to get things out. I can feel myself slipping away. I remember the dreadful days of sophomore year. That is a time in my life that I don’t want to think about let alone repeat.

The vagueness of my future is really getting to me. Ambition really used to drive me. What happen? I’m just looking for definition in my life I guess. In every way possible.

Bad Habits, Bad Economy, and a Bad Hairday. September 28, 2009

The only things that I do for fun on a regular basis is watch TV and sleep. Everything else is work or school or more work.

Tell me, what is the point of working if you have no time to do something with the money? Oh that’s right, with the way the tuitions are rising for college the existence of a teenage disposable income is past. So there is no need for me to worry about that money sitting in my bank account and getting stale. It will all be drained in due time. Where is that college tuition help Obama promised? Has he gotten around to that or did Cash for Clunkers eat up all that money? The problems our economy is facing are nothing to complain about compared to the problems of the governments debt. We are just going to have to give up California to China or something with the rate we are borrowing money.

I really shouldn’t worry about that just yet. I want to spend the last couple years before I am legally allowed to vote or in other words before I am forced to take sides. I need a haircut. Not just a trim since I’m growing it out, but a “Hey that’s a big change!” haircut. But I’m way to nervous to do it. Everyone with long hair who cuts it always complain about how they miss their hair. Well instead of longing for it to grow back I am going to continue to grow it out. Untill, (fill in the blank with some random excuse).

Bad Habit of the day has to me boys. I have made some friends this year, gotten closer to old friends. But I don’t want to have to make the decision between old and new friends. So instead of sitting down and thinking about it, I’m doing what I do best and avoiding it. I still stand by my original feelings that relationships are stupid in high school.

It is the First Day of Fall. September 22, 2009

Lately the weather has been really bad. There has been some flooding around the south and it feels like I’m breathing in water. Today, it was a little different, it was a flash back to the hot summer days that we will no longer have, as if the weather was teasing about fall coming. Normally I hate fall, but this year as it gets cold I feel.

So I guess I need to start from scratch with this new blog. A quick summary of my life currently: I go to school. I work. I volunteer. I do homework. And I squish real life in between all of this. I love being really busy, it keeps me from procrastinating.

Lately I have been a little more closed up than normally. I have a few really close friends, and many people I talk to at school. But ever since I have had that feeling that I am doing something with my life, I have stopped talking as often or a deeply to them. I never have the time for anyone, so its beginning to be the people that I have classes with that I associate with more. This makes me a little sad, I wanted our little group to tighten this year. But ever since everyone has coupled up their priorities have sifted, they no longer want to have lunch all together. They just want to be with their other halves. I guess this is a major issue for me. I just don’t understand why these kids are getting so attached to people they won’t ever see again after graduating. No strings attached makes more sense to me than this web of commitment.

I just have strong opinions about some things and I’m neutral when it comes to other things. It reminds me of a recent essay I wrote. The topic asked for an essay about a current issue in the world, it wanted both sides of it and a personal opinion and solution. I wrote about health care. I hate the idea of universal health care. Doing this is just one step closer to socialism, another thing I am strongly against. I feel that Obama is trying to spread the government’s power. He is spending money that our country does not have. People will try to take advantage of health care, while the government will try to cut back to save money. Sure health care will become affordable to all (there will be no way to keep it from illegals), Obama is just another Robinhood. But isn’t taking from rich still stealing, even if you give it to the poor?

That was a little rant that probably made no sense. I just don’t want to be a government employee in the future, and I am planning on going into medicine. I will be watching this issue closely as it progresses. I just hope that Obama compromises and decides to control insurance premiums instead. Sure it would still be more power for the government, but that would mean that things would continue normally and still be more affordable.

This really wasn’t supposed to become about health care, but I got off track somewhere. I continue the overview of my life later.