TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

The diary. November 1, 2011

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When I was very young, I had terrible luck with best friends. They always seemed to move away just after we got very close. Of course, those relationships were always very new and didn’t last when distance was introduced. For this reason I began writing a diary. Not a journal, a diary. I wrote in it with every intention of giving it to my final best friend, a person who I thought would never leave me. Slowly though after a few weeks of writing in it, I decided that the idea was very silly and if I recall correctly, I got rid of it.

I find it interesting that my method of personal writing was established when I was very young–I’ve always been a letter writer.To this day, I find myself writing letters to people. Often, which I never give them.

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Best Friend. February 16, 2011

Filed under: friends — teddygrams @ 10:06 pm
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How many people truly know the meaning out this? I know I do. Putting it to words could be rather difficult though. I don’t remember an exact day when I the words “best friend” first crossed my mind or even who they were in reference to.

Growing up, I felt like I had a strange curse. All of my “best friends” always left me with the exception of my best friend and cousin who has always been there in the background. There was Hailey, our neighbor that I grew up with. I was convinced that we would forever be together. She moved to the wretched land of Canada. All my other friends knew how close we were and consoled me. I soon met Catherine, a foster child who talked to me as I moped the exit of Hailey from my life. We became as close as we could be within a year’s time, but she too moved. Foster children always seems to be leaving. My next best friend was a girl that I still see everyday. We were close from the fourth grade to about sixth when our class schedules no longer matched up enough. This year, twelfth grade, is actually the first time that I’ve had a class with her since. I was left in middle school best-friend less. I finally found a new best friend in a boy in my math class. A boy that I lost quickly to his girlfriends to be (though, they are both close to me now, 4 years later.) It was around this point, in eight grade that I began to call my new neighbor my best friend. I had known her for about half a year. For almost all of the 5 years that I’ve known this girl, I’ve called her my best friend.

I have had exactly one person who I called best friend without hesitation, I could never see anything going wrong. Why? Because I saw nothing else but perfection in my best friend. When I say perfection, I don’t mean each action was perfectly good or that she did nothing wrong, far from that. I saw the perfect best friend according to my history. A best friend who would not leave me. A friend who I would maintain ties with my whole life, never lose to the corrosiveness of time. All I worried about was physical distance and not having enough time together. I forgot about the depth of out relationship, I forgot about the inevitable chaos that enters our lives.

I have such trouble saying these two words now, best friend. Why? Because my fatal flaw is my lack of the ability to forgive. Granted, I say I have forgiven. I have for the most part. I have forgiven my friend for her actions, for her choices. I have not forgiven her for teaching my a lesson about myself. I am not as independent as I like to think. I’m always looking for support.  I think my little best-friend chronology shows that. I need people. I especially need her.

My mother came in for a second to show me a new shirt that she had bought and I asked her to stay. I told her about the awful day that my friend had gone through today. I told her about the things that she had to deal with. Alone, without me. I feel terrible, I hoped all day long that she would make plans with me. Now that I think about it, why would she? All that she wanted was to forget it all. It is the job of a “best friend” to deem it necessary to make plans and execute them when a friend is feeling down. My mother gave me one look and told me to stop worrying about it and to try to study. My mother has obviously never experienced the companionship of a best friend.

I have an awful headache right now that is making reading my government book to prepare for my test tomorrow almost impossible.  I think sleep would be a better idea.

 

Protected: Your mom. February 15, 2011

Filed under: friends — teddygrams @ 7:52 pm
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Advisment Musings February 9, 2011

I really don’t have much time to get anything worthwhile down, it’s the problem that I face every time that I have the urge to write. My notebooks are full of little paragraphs here and there of my nonsensical thoughts. I’ve been wanting to do an ins and outs for January, but I think we are a little too far into February for it to be acceptable to do so.

It’s February. The month of love. I just bought a “Crush Can” for my friend from her boyfriend. I think its cute. Lately, people have been hating Valentine’s Day. I’m sure this happens every year, but I’ve noticed it more this year, maybe because I don’t really want to buy anything for anyone. Being alone on Valentine’s day has never bothered me, I always have the love fo my friends. But this year, I’m still just trying to get back into feeling the love. Love haters are just so sour. I don’t like that I fall under the “sour people” category as of now.

I really do wonder where my life is going. In calculus, I’m constantly thinking about how I will not be able to survive the next four years without absorbing this vital information. I think that because I want an engineering degree AND a medical doctor degree. People tell me that I’m insane. I think I am too. I’m fairly terrible at Calculus (really only because I lack fundamental skills, I can talk you through a problem, I just can’t do it myself). It would save a lot of pain just to be a Pre-med Biology Major. Mercer would save a lot of pain. I’m still indifferent though — I won’t mind not being accepted to this program. I may still actually go to this college anyways, they have actual closets in their dorm rooms.

I might want to go into research, I might want to just be an engineer, I might want to get an MD and do Doctors Without Borders. I might want to do a lot with my life. I hope I do.

I think it might be time to start writing senior letters so my procrastination won’t get the best of me next month. I really only am counting the days of school that are left until spring break, after that it is just review and AP exams. 50 days.

Last year around this time, I met one of the closest people who exists to me. He was worried about the friends that he may lose due to the distance that he would be going away to college. I am too, I’m worried that I have  invested too much time onto some people and not enough into others. Sure, I may be a little sad to lose friends that I will inevitably grow apart from, but I’ve enjoyed the time that I’ve spent with everyone. I’m worried about regretting things. I wish that I could live without them, but avoiding regret is what keeps the world rational.  I don’t want to be lonely any more. The chain should come off the door.

 

Protected: I’m waiting for the day. December 14, 2010

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I wonder what will heal faster: December 9, 2010

Filed under: friends,work/internship — teddygrams @ 10:35 pm
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This burn on my arm or the hole in my heart?

Yes I realize this is a tad dramatic. It was just a thought that crossed my mind as I told my friend about how my burn is starting to open up. It’s interesting how the progression of the burn matches that of the situation that I’m in right now.

I shouldn’t have tried to help out by trying to make the oil hit the trash can instead. I should have just let things happen as they did.

Immediately after I got hurt, I did some damage control and went on working to the best of my ability.  I went through the motions mindlessly and put on my best fake smile. It gave me time to dwell on the idea of the burn, I thought about what my arm had looked like before, just in case it never looks the same again. I wanted to remember. After the working day was over and I finally got a chance to think about the pain, it hit me. I left the wound visible for a little while and shared my battle story with my friends and family. Soon, I decided that this was enough and I started covering it. As of now, I’m reaching the point where the skin is coming off, the rawness of the wound is showing. It still hurts, but only when I think about it, stretch the skin, or move too quickly. I guess I could just wait on it to heal on its own, but that it the best way to gain a scar. Burns heal slowly. While they heal, they make a person more susceptible to illness – it is broken skin after all.  I’ll do what I can to help it heal. The doctor says it will take months. Even with all the different creams and treatments, there maybe a scar on my arm forever.