TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Being home. November 2, 2011

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I didn’t feel like I was at home until I was at his house and with him. I guess its because its the only thing still consistent about my life. All my other relationships are strained by distance except for that one.

Walking into my own bedroom feels strange. The walls are bare. No Air Force flag, no Colors, nothing. My bed itself is rather uncomfortable, I found myself waking up through the night constantly– it felt far too large to not have someone next to me. I think that’s one of the reasons I tend to move to my sister’s room at night. The floor always looks like it been freshly vacuumed but it has really been weeks. (My mother keeps the door shut while I’m not around.) It’s just very strange.

Looking into my closet makes me worry though. I have so many more things since I came to college, not just clothes but some of everything. I think its one of the only reasons I won’t like being at home when I do go back from longer breaks. Having all my stuff in one place. Bleh.

I love being able to leave my room and have a whole house full of different places to go. Here, if I don’t feel like going outside, my choices are other dorm rooms or the lounge. And even then, many of my friends live elsewhere so its hard to avoid the dreaded cold. There is no beautiful yard to admire while getting lost in thought on a swing. Just the clank of a train as it goes by is here to rattle my brain. I would trade being able to go walk into my friend’s room for being able to walk into my grandparent’s room instantly. I feel like I’m missing out on so many little family moments. (Interestingly enough, they are very rare, even when I am home so I’m not truly missing much.)

On a side note: My parents seem to be much more lenient than they once were, each time I go home I’m allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 if I have a good arguable reason. That sounds like nothing, but it would have been unheard of in the past. I suspect they allow me to get away with such things because they want me to be happy. They want me to keep coming back to this place and calling it home.

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Hurt. July 14, 2011

I only ever blog when I’m feeling down.

I have a few things on my mind.

My sister, him, the person I call my best friend, the other person I call my best friend.

I guess I have people on my mind. And loneliness.

I want to go sleep in my grandparent’s room, but the kitchen is a dangerous place to walk through when I’m feeling like this.

I’ve come so far. I will not give in to this now.

Tomorrow will be good. It has to be.

 

Graduation woes. May 24, 2011

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Were the only downside to today. I really am not that excited about graduation. My cousin, however, is. I agreed to a combined birthday party to minimize on the amount of annoyance to my extended family. We are having 2 graduations, 2 parties, and a birthday party all in the same week. My cousin did not want to combine her birthday party and graduation party. I therefore volunteered to combine my graduation party with her’s saving my family from at least one event. Little did I realize that this would be any trouble at all. It has led to some tension only due to the fact that my dear cousin invited my friends to this party without talking to me first and seems not to think it strange to invite my friends to a home that is an hour away. Yes, it is almost like my home, but no, it is not somewhere I feel comfortable inviting my friends. Thank you. I also would like to not be involved in planing activities for the friends of her’s that are are coming. I don’t know what they like and do not like. Sigh, I know she means well, my little sister. I shall just over look this and continue working on her senior letter. We have grown up together, surrounded by the same chaos. That has to count for something.

On a more positive note, I saw one of my best friends today. I remember why I miss him so much when he is gone. The rest of this week is already all planned out and my type A personality is very satisfied knowing what is going down.

I need to get back on good terms with my friends. Pushing people away is never a good idea, even if it seems to minimize hurt.

Tomorrow will consist of baking cookies, thanking teachers, enjoying sunshine, seeing pirates, and just relaxing. I also need to start looking at some random facts to brush up on my trivia skills for Thursday night.

Ramble time over.

 

Think before you speak. January 12, 2011

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 8:47 pm
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A common piece of advise to people. I find myself repeating these words in my head constantly. Not even to myself, but in reference to what other people say. I know that I also should take this advise, but more often than not, I don’t have much concern with keeping my thoughts private. I’m fairly brutal when it comes to telling people the truth, but that exactly why what others say bothers me so much. I expect the same level of honesty from everyone. If you don’t like me, then don’t pretend like you do. Or if you do like me, don’t take away the power of truth by speaking those words without meaning them.

Thank you and have a nice evening.

 

Christmas lights. November 28, 2010

Have this unmatched capability to make me angry with my family. Every year, I get mad at the sloppy work of who ever decided to put them up. This year, it was me. My sister came home and asked with a slight tone of surprise “Did you put the lights up? They look really bad.” See the way it works is that one person decides to get them out, untangle them, sort them, make up some kind of plan, and then puts it all together. That one person always ends up doing a terrible job so my sister and/or I go and correct them the next day. It has become an unspoken tradition.

I had been locked in my room for days, leaving only for work, family, or very special friends. My dad even commented on how he hasn’t seem me for the longest time. I think he was a little worried. I put a smile on and told him I was going to the library and the park to get some reading done. Bad mistake. The library closed at 5pm apparently. I thought it was at 6, the fact that it was Sunday did not occur to me. I saw a couple friends there I wish I hadn’t. I turned and went to my  favorite swing. There I read some of Frankenstein.  I did my best to focus. I was getting into the book when I noticed that my face was wet. The book no longer held my attention, instead I let myself fall back into thought. My thoughts shifted to the previous times I had been on that swing. There was the project to clean up the park; there was the time I  ran into some students in classes I had helped; there was the time I just wanted to get away from it all; there was a time I ran into a guy and his family; and the time when I was just people watching. I’m sure I’ve been to that place more than I can remember. It’s been a spot I’ve loved since my previous neighbor’s grand daughter had been my best friend. We used to swing on those swings together when Ms. Carmen took her walks. We used to have Candy (my neighbor’s dog) wait near the fence and swing backwards looking at her.

I decided it was time to leave that place within 20 minutes of arriving. During the walk back to the truck I thought about where I wanted to be. Not just where I wanted to drive to at that moment, but where I wanted to be in life. It’s a difficult thing to explain. I decided to go to the gazebo that my friend and I share as a place to think and talk, during the drive there I realized the amount of time I was allowing myself to be free to think about whatever I wanted was holding me down. I needed some sort of distraction to occupy my mind.Christmas lights were what I thought of first, so I decided to head home instead.

I guess school should have that  covered until winter break. I doubt it will though.

 

Black Friday Nightmares. November 26, 2010

Not really. It was a fairly good day, but a great evening. My mother forgot to set a 3 am alarm for us so I awoke to a family rushing to get out of the door. I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, I just enjoyed listening to music with my sister and messing around with her. She found this oddly shaped piece of cocking that had come off of the building we were waiting in line next to. She proceeded to throw it at everyone: my mother and father, my grandfather, and me. We laughed and laughed and before we knew it the line was moving. It reminded me of being really little and unable to wait. We really didn’t care about going into the stores, we just enjoyed each other’s company.

When we got home I crawled back into bed. My sister soon joined me and snuggled up with a few of the many pillows that surround me as I sleep. She was quick to leave; she prefers the softness of her bed to mine. I slept for almost 6 more hours. In that time I had some of the most vivid dreams I have had in a long time.

It started on a Broadway stage. It was “The Little Mermaid.” I was Ariel. This does not surprise me. I have seen the Little Mermaid movies too many times to count. The first song that I ever learned to sing was “Part of Your World.” I still to this day sing it in the shower. Anyways, the setting of the dream shifted from the stage to an actual place. I felt like I was IN the movie. It was as if there were still people watching and I was still nervous about messing up. There was barely any time for worrying though, I was on a ship (presumably Price Eric’s) and the water around me was beginning to move in. It was like Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean. Ursula and Davy Jones’ monster were both there stirring the water up enough to take the ship under. Ursula sprayed ink everywhere and everything was black. When I opened my eyes (still in the dream) I was now in a strawberry field. I was wearing a white dress with daisies in my hair and dancing barefoot  – so cliche right. None of this dream was very original until now. All of my loved ones started to join me in my dance. Soon their loved ones appeared as well, and the loved one’s loved ones appeared. It was like the 6 degrees of seperation rule had brought everyone in existence (real or in memory)  to this field and we all had not a care in the world except having a good time together. The feeling that I felt at that moment in that dream is impossible to describe, it was beyond joy or happiness.  The collective cheer sparked something; it is that something that I think we are all after in our lives. I had a few moments to ponder this before the dream changed. All the people that must not have truly been living dropped to the ground. Terror spread. Despair crept its way through the crowd. Reality returned. I awoke to see that it was the afternoon. I joined my father and sister; we went back out shopping. I spent the rest of the day quiet, thinking about this dream.

This evening was nice. It was a nice little close to my Thanksgiving break. Tomorrow will come and I will resume my normal weekend schedule and the worry about exams will begin.

Today was my best friend’s grandfather’s 89th birthday. It makes me think of the future. All grandparents have stories to tell, the common theme is change. I’m content with the way my life is now. Change is coming. I guess I just have to accept that. When I was really little I would always wonder when something new would come. I would want to make new friends, live in new places, study different things. I’ve settled into habits now, sort of strange to think about. I like my established friends, I don’t want to move away from what I have, and I wish that I could narrow my studies to certain things. I’ve become much more close-minded. It needs to change. This ramblely passage is not what I intended it to be but so be it.

I think my sister’s presence in the room somehow has effected the way I’m writing. It is strange to have another person watch the words spill across the screen. I don’t mind it though. Today has been a good day with her. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

 

I just asked Google what I should blog about. October 20, 2010

Filed under: family,random — teddygrams @ 10:54 pm
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And most of the results were about how to make blogging something much more than it is. How to make money doing it, how to attract views, how to get laid by blogging, and how to use blogging to toast marshmallows. Well maybe not marshmallows, but you get my point. I guess everyone blogs for different reasons. Well whatever floats your boat. I’m in this just cause.

*Pizza Break*

Now that my sister has interrupted my train of thought with a delicious frozen pizza, all I can think about is this adorable sign she made me. She came up to me and presented it and to show her how much I approved, I allowed her to put it up in the place of honor, my door. Only the finest artwork is allowed to adorn my bedroom door. Thinking about this situation makes it hard to believe that we were the same girls at each other’s throats last night. Just goes to show, the ones that you love the most, you can hate the most too. I wouldn’t say it’s true the other way around.

Well I’m starting to sound silly. I promise that I started this post with some sort of thoughtful idea. It just didn’t come though. Oh well. I’m getting up early tomorrow to do Calculus. Woo.