Protected: Milestones November 4, 2011
Advisment Musings February 9, 2011
I really don’t have much time to get anything worthwhile down, it’s the problem that I face every time that I have the urge to write. My notebooks are full of little paragraphs here and there of my nonsensical thoughts. I’ve been wanting to do an ins and outs for January, but I think we are a little too far into February for it to be acceptable to do so.
It’s February. The month of love. I just bought a “Crush Can” for my friend from her boyfriend. I think its cute. Lately, people have been hating Valentine’s Day. I’m sure this happens every year, but I’ve noticed it more this year, maybe because I don’t really want to buy anything for anyone. Being alone on Valentine’s day has never bothered me, I always have the love fo my friends. But this year, I’m still just trying to get back into feeling the love. Love haters are just so sour. I don’t like that I fall under the “sour people” category as of now.
I really do wonder where my life is going. In calculus, I’m constantly thinking about how I will not be able to survive the next four years without absorbing this vital information. I think that because I want an engineering degree AND a medical doctor degree. People tell me that I’m insane. I think I am too. I’m fairly terrible at Calculus (really only because I lack fundamental skills, I can talk you through a problem, I just can’t do it myself). It would save a lot of pain just to be a Pre-med Biology Major. Mercer would save a lot of pain. I’m still indifferent though — I won’t mind not being accepted to this program. I may still actually go to this college anyways, they have actual closets in their dorm rooms.
I might want to go into research, I might want to just be an engineer, I might want to get an MD and do Doctors Without Borders. I might want to do a lot with my life. I hope I do.
I think it might be time to start writing senior letters so my procrastination won’t get the best of me next month. I really only am counting the days of school that are left until spring break, after that it is just review and AP exams. 50 days.
Last year around this time, I met one of the closest people who exists to me. He was worried about the friends that he may lose due to the distance that he would be going away to college. I am too, I’m worried that I have invested too much time onto some people and not enough into others. Sure, I may be a little sad to lose friends that I will inevitably grow apart from, but I’ve enjoyed the time that I’ve spent with everyone. I’m worried about regretting things. I wish that I could live without them, but avoiding regret is what keeps the world rational. I don’t want to be lonely any more. The chain should come off the door.
Black Friday Nightmares. November 26, 2010
Not really. It was a fairly good day, but a great evening. My mother forgot to set a 3 am alarm for us so I awoke to a family rushing to get out of the door. I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, I just enjoyed listening to music with my sister and messing around with her. She found this oddly shaped piece of cocking that had come off of the building we were waiting in line next to. She proceeded to throw it at everyone: my mother and father, my grandfather, and me. We laughed and laughed and before we knew it the line was moving. It reminded me of being really little and unable to wait. We really didn’t care about going into the stores, we just enjoyed each other’s company.
When we got home I crawled back into bed. My sister soon joined me and snuggled up with a few of the many pillows that surround me as I sleep. She was quick to leave; she prefers the softness of her bed to mine. I slept for almost 6 more hours. In that time I had some of the most vivid dreams I have had in a long time.
It started on a Broadway stage. It was “The Little Mermaid.” I was Ariel. This does not surprise me. I have seen the Little Mermaid movies too many times to count. The first song that I ever learned to sing was “Part of Your World.” I still to this day sing it in the shower. Anyways, the setting of the dream shifted from the stage to an actual place. I felt like I was IN the movie. It was as if there were still people watching and I was still nervous about messing up. There was barely any time for worrying though, I was on a ship (presumably Price Eric’s) and the water around me was beginning to move in. It was like Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean. Ursula and Davy Jones’ monster were both there stirring the water up enough to take the ship under. Ursula sprayed ink everywhere and everything was black. When I opened my eyes (still in the dream) I was now in a strawberry field. I was wearing a white dress with daisies in my hair and dancing barefoot – so cliche right. None of this dream was very original until now. All of my loved ones started to join me in my dance. Soon their loved ones appeared as well, and the loved one’s loved ones appeared. It was like the 6 degrees of seperation rule had brought everyone in existence (real or in memory) to this field and we all had not a care in the world except having a good time together. The feeling that I felt at that moment in that dream is impossible to describe, it was beyond joy or happiness. The collective cheer sparked something; it is that something that I think we are all after in our lives. I had a few moments to ponder this before the dream changed. All the people that must not have truly been living dropped to the ground. Terror spread. Despair crept its way through the crowd. Reality returned. I awoke to see that it was the afternoon. I joined my father and sister; we went back out shopping. I spent the rest of the day quiet, thinking about this dream.
This evening was nice. It was a nice little close to my Thanksgiving break. Tomorrow will come and I will resume my normal weekend schedule and the worry about exams will begin.
Today was my best friend’s grandfather’s 89th birthday. It makes me think of the future. All grandparents have stories to tell, the common theme is change. I’m content with the way my life is now. Change is coming. I guess I just have to accept that. When I was really little I would always wonder when something new would come. I would want to make new friends, live in new places, study different things. I’ve settled into habits now, sort of strange to think about. I like my established friends, I don’t want to move away from what I have, and I wish that I could narrow my studies to certain things. I’ve become much more close-minded. It needs to change. This ramblely passage is not what I intended it to be but so be it.
I think my sister’s presence in the room somehow has effected the way I’m writing. It is strange to have another person watch the words spill across the screen. I don’t mind it though. Today has been a good day with her. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.
My hair is thinning out. November 25, 2010
I’m 17. This shouldn’t happen. Yeah, I know, eat healthy, don’t stress, do this and do that. The thing is that even if I did everything perfect my hair would still not be like it was a month ago. It is over 2 feet long. There is no going back. New hair would never catch up to what is left. All I can do is protect what I have. Sadly, this is what had been occupying my mind for a decent portion of this hour.
Vanity. It can dictate so much of what goes on in the world.
It’s Thanksgiving. All my cousins are running around my house gleefully. I am sitting here sulking in my room on the corner of my bed that is normally occupied by my best friend. That term had started getting so definite. I obviously was referring to a single person. For the first time in my life I was not saying “one of my best friends” but just best friend. It was a title.
Titles. What do people gain from them? Some strange feeling of having a place? I was talking to my best friend (a different one) and he reminded me of all the problems that erupt from giving people titles. I hate labels. I always have. Why is it that I wanted one? It doesn’t automatically make you closer to anyone. Security I guess. Not knowing what is coming in the future really gets to me.
Writers Block is killing me. I have somethings I would like to write about, but I don’t want to read it later. It leaves me trying to fill in the gaps of this feeble stream of conscience.
I should do a post on what I’m thankful for. It’s Thanksgiving. Maybe later.
“Just the thought of you can make me smile.” November 17, 2010
This song has been stuck in my head all day long. Just a few more days until I can see one of the most important people in my life. Smiling is what defines our relationship; even during our tough times there have been tearful smiles. I really wonder why though that a few weeks ago I began to miss him so much. I was fine before that knowing that I would see him when I see him. I’m sure it relates to the backwards steps that I feel I have taken since this summer when I started to think about things differently, when I started to grow up. Instead of becoming more mature, I have spiraled downward to where I am now. It sort of makes me nervous to think that I won’t be able to get back up to my wonderfully productive days; I miss the days that consisted of school, work, internship, homework, sleep. Well really I miss the ability to excel during those days. Busyness used to define me, now I’m just burned out.
This morning I woke to the shrill sound of my phone alarm. I was annoyed that my phone was buried under the mountain of blankets and pillows that I sleep with. After locating it and taking one look at my phone I saw that today was going to be just as awful as yesterday. I hurried to call my friend and get her to my house so I could drive her to school. We needed to talk.
It turned out to be not so bad though. I was just scared of everyone being mad at me for being so weak.
Talking about things used to be so easy. These days I find myself just wanting to curl up with a blanket and paper to get things out. I can feel myself slipping away. I remember the dreadful days of sophomore year. That is a time in my life that I don’t want to think about let alone repeat.
The vagueness of my future is really getting to me. Ambition really used to drive me. What happen? I’m just looking for definition in my life I guess. In every way possible.