TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

I just had to check. December 2, 2010

Filed under: friends,random — teddygrams @ 11:34 pm
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And he is right. A friend texted me asking if I was okay. He had just been reading this stuff. I was surprised that he could tell from my writing that something was wrong and went on to tell him about some things. I came back to actually read what I have written in the past few weeks and man. This is not me. It sounds so awful. Everything.

This has to change.

Currently, I am not blogging because my parents are annoyed that I write so much and I am so far behind on school stuff. I’m playing catch up right now. It’s the end of semester rush. 7 more tests, finals, then freedom. For a couple weeks that is. I need to keep my GPA up for scholarships. I’m going to try to keep my senioristis at the level it is at currently. Maybe even push it a little more.

I must sleep now. I have to wake up in a few hours to study some more.

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My Calculus book just got a haircut. November 16, 2010

It has been shedding sheets of plastic for so long, I decided to just cut them off with my knife. I don’t even know why I carry it around. It really is just a constant reminder of the work I should be doing.

I’ve been finding ways to avoid much thought today. Mindless essays are not going to help. I basically have my title page for my paper due in a few days. I also am running short on time to work on it. We’ll see how this ends up going, I’d rather not ruin a college visit by working on my paper while there.

I have started so many entries for this blog in the past couple days, I just haven’t gotten to completing the thoughts yet. These entries will probably never get published. Maybe I’ll do a quick summary of them like I did in the past. Right now I’m blogging because I have been avoiding it. The lack of numbers on the calendar being white is beginning to bother me so I figured I would change that.

I have actually felt quite some emotion lately due to letting my guard down. One of the things that I was doing this year was counting my tears and remembering why they were shed. The records were easily kept until about a month ago. I think I was at 9 before I lost count. I’m sure its around 30 now. I’ll try again next year I suppose. Thinking about this is rather silly; I was trying to make a point about avoiding my blog and got off subject. What do people normally do when they are outraged or feeling down? Well, what do bloggers do? We write. I wasn’t ready to try and project my feelings into some kind of coherent entry. Instead I found myself writing very lengthy IMs. It’s nice to have people to talk to.

School-wise, things are going fine. Just what I expected when I saw the numbers slipping lower weeks ago. I’m not failing; that will never happen. I guess I’ve just secured myself a place at an in-state school though.

I miss my family. I don’t know what has been causing me to stay couped up in my room lately. I’m at the lowest productivity level of my life. I don’t do anything interesting up here either. Today I had a conversation with my paternal grandmother, Mama, about the future. It all started with talking to her about abortion. I just wanted to know her views and learned quickly that they were very similar to what mine had been a year ago. The subject turned to adoption. She already knows of my future plans and hates them. Mama is convinced that I will feel the maternal urge at some point in my life. Today though she gave me her reasoning for not wanting to adopt. She feels that the children have unknown blood running through their veins, tainted by the misdoings of the children’s unknown parents. She also feels that the government should be the ones responsible for the upkeep of these children. Her thoughts are shockingly traditional sometimes, even to me. The last thing that we discussed was the topic of marriage. I made it clear that I will never have an arranged marriage. I was so ready to be shot down when I said this after hearing about her views on orphans, but no. Mama was quick to agree that this would be my choice. All I have to do is find someone my family would accept and have the traditional Indian marriage of course. This seems to be something that I could live with. We talked about the age that I should be before I start dating seriously.  Mama then went on to remind me to trust no one. Ever.

She is so right.

 

 

This is going to sound silly. October 31, 2010

Filed under: issues,life,school — teddygrams @ 9:07 pm
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Sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to listen to myself think. My own thoughts stress me out so much that I just become nonfunctional. For the last couple days I have had a few things pressing my mind.

Going vegan for a week was a spontaneous idea. No, I was not watching PETA videos or looking up the milk production process. I just walked into my room and saw Sophie, my lovely teddy bear, on the floor. This made me think of how careless I was with how I treated her, which in turn led my thoughts to the treatment of animals. I have been a vegetarian my basically my whole life. I have never even tasted most types of meat. Does it mean that I should have no guilt when it came to all the stuff PETA whines about? No. Even being a vegetarian, my life is still not cruelty free. This thought does not cross my mind often enough. I know that I will not be able to be vegan for my whole life; I don’t have that much will-power. A friend asked earlier today why I was doing this. My answer was somewhere along the lines of: Even though I will not be a life-long vegan, I will, however, gain awareness for my whole life.

Another completely different thing that has been on my mind: College. Oh how I am ready for the day to come when I am officially a college student. However since colleges cater to those who like to change their minds last minute like myself, I have now idea where this day will be. I wish I had been one of those kids who has wanted to go to the same college since they were 10. But I’m not. Instead I’m like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to choose. The only difference is the amount of gravity this choice will have on my life. My fall back is one of the public colleges in-state. The problem is that I don’t know where my target school is. My reach schools are definitely some of the BS/MD programs I have applied to. I recently took the SAT and ACT. So far I have gotten my SAT scores and they are right at where they need to be: above average and in the top percentiles. Although, I was really hoping that I would wow myself and exceed my achievable goal. What gets me is that scores that ivy league schools look for are achieved by less than 5% of the kids in the country. The top 5%, the academic elite.    I have decided that unlike originally planned, I will be applying to no ivy league schools. They require SAT subject tests anyways, of which I have taken none.

Speaking of tests, I have quite a few piling up. I have been in and out of school due to headaches and field trips. I have 4 difficult tests in the next few days. None of which is a no-brainer type of test. Each one will require a large chuck of study time. The grades are very important on these tests because I am on the edge in a couple subjects. I would like A’s please, not the B’s that I’m going to get if I don’t study hard. I talked to my father today about this. He recommended dropping my math class one level down. It would still be an AP class, but slower and more accommodating to my busy schedule. For one of the first times in my life I actually do want to drop to a class that is not the highest level. Too bad it’s too late. My class is 2 chapters ahead of the class that I would have to drop to. We have already finished all the requirements of the class one step down. I don’t think my Calculus teacher would mind at all if I wasn’t in his class; I don’t think he enjoys my presence much anyways. I saw him at a play that I promised my sister I would take her to at my school.

 

SAT and life around it March 13, 2010

Filed under: friends,school — teddygrams @ 9:00 pm
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SAT is always capitalized. It makes it look so much more important. So much more intimidating. I planned my whole weekend around those three letters. And now that its over and the stress of that is gone, I have to deal with all the school work that I pushed out of the way because of the SAT. How do I think I did after the 2 days of no thoughts other than SAT?

Alright. I had read examples of  6s for essays and I finished with way too much time so I went back and added to mine, I think I just made my maybe a 6 to a definite 4. After that shaky start I went straight into a math section which boosted my confidence. I finished the next 6 sections feeling like a winner. This was until I came to a second grid-in. I thought about it and realized that it meant that one of them was experimental, but which one. On one, I got every single problem right, on the other, I missed 3. The only 3 problems that I didn’t know how to do in math in all of the SAT. I really hope that it was an experimental section and won’t be counted. After that I had 3 more sections to go and really had to pee. During the break I tried to calm myself down, but the worry had already kicked in. The next three sections were a struggle and I feel that I did average on, about the same as before. So did I reach my goal of 2000? We’ll find out in 3 or 4 weeks.

To push that out of my mind, I was going to go to starbuck’s with one of my girlfriends who had also taken the SAT. GIRLFRIEND. Not the random stalker of one of my other girlfriends. I just happen to be nice to him, he followed along. This ruined the mood of my girlfriend’s boyfriend, and they had a 30 second fight which ended up bothering her for the rest of the day. She is probably still cleaning up some of the mess. My question coming from all this is why. Why do people think that their friend’s friends are their friends too? Why do they not realize that they are causing tension?

We did manage to have fun. The two of us plus one. We went to my place of work and got my check and some fries. Some of which were so large that they reminded us of some male anatomy. We laughed and did want girls do, by the time we were ready to go to Starbuck’s my other girlfriend called. She was free and could come with us. This is the same girl whose stalker was with us. So we all met up at Starbuck’s and my GF (from SAT) and I made sure to sit between my other GF and her stalker. We did this for a few reasons. Some of which include: my GF has a boyfriend. That boyfriend is also a close friend. This GF likes to flirt, enough were it can strain relationships. Even sitting across the table from her, this girl’s stalker still managed to get physical. He stuck out his legs to tough hers. When GF from the SAT and I saw this we immediately threw our own legs into the mix.  I also have failed to mention that there was a creeper sitting 3 feet away from us at this time. He kept joining conversations and making comments. We left the cafe with a little bit of a caffeine rush and a general creeped out feeling.

I then went to GF from SAT’s house and we chilled for 2 hours. I was really tired and not very entertaining. Then GF #2’s boyfriend called and said that she had informed him that I needed help on WebAssign for Physics. I finished it at GF from SAT’s house and then left. (or she kicked me out, haha)

I came home to see the list of stuff to do on my mirror. This is why junior year is called the hardest. Its all about juggling the intense school work and all the extra stuff thrown at you for college in the years ahead. I’m just afraid that I might lose my balance and trip.

 

Bad Habits, Bad Economy, and a Bad Hairday. September 28, 2009

Filed under: life — teddygrams @ 10:38 pm
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The only things that I do for fun on a regular basis is watch TV and sleep. Everything else is work or school or more work.

Tell me, what is the point of working if you have no time to do something with the money? Oh that’s right, with the way the tuitions are rising for college the existence of a teenage disposable income is past. So there is no need for me to worry about that money sitting in my bank account and getting stale. It will all be drained in due time. Where is that college tuition help Obama promised? Has he gotten around to that or did Cash for Clunkers eat up all that money? The problems our economy is facing are nothing to complain about compared to the problems of the governments debt. We are just going to have to give up California to China or something with the rate we are borrowing money.

I really shouldn’t worry about that just yet. I want to spend the last couple years before I am legally allowed to vote or in other words before I am forced to take sides. I need a haircut. Not just a trim since I’m growing it out, but a “Hey that’s a big change!” haircut. But I’m way to nervous to do it. Everyone with long hair who cuts it always complain about how they miss their hair. Well instead of longing for it to grow back I am going to continue to grow it out. Untill, (fill in the blank with some random excuse).

Bad Habit of the day has to me boys. I have made some friends this year, gotten closer to old friends. But I don’t want to have to make the decision between old and new friends. So instead of sitting down and thinking about it, I’m doing what I do best and avoiding it. I still stand by my original feelings that relationships are stupid in high school.