The more I can see myself be willing to leave it. I love everyone here very much. But there is something very different about being expected to love someone and just loving someone because of who they are. There is something about just wanting to be around someone all the time rather than being forced into it. I enjoy the times that I have here, I do. I just wish there wasn’t as much of this pressure for me to always be here.
Being home. November 2, 2011
I didn’t feel like I was at home until I was at his house and with him. I guess its because its the only thing still consistent about my life. All my other relationships are strained by distance except for that one.
Walking into my own bedroom feels strange. The walls are bare. No Air Force flag, no Colors, nothing. My bed itself is rather uncomfortable, I found myself waking up through the night constantly– it felt far too large to not have someone next to me. I think that’s one of the reasons I tend to move to my sister’s room at night. The floor always looks like it been freshly vacuumed but it has really been weeks. (My mother keeps the door shut while I’m not around.) It’s just very strange.
Looking into my closet makes me worry though. I have so many more things since I came to college, not just clothes but some of everything. I think its one of the only reasons I won’t like being at home when I do go back from longer breaks. Having all my stuff in one place. Bleh.
I love being able to leave my room and have a whole house full of different places to go. Here, if I don’t feel like going outside, my choices are other dorm rooms or the lounge. And even then, many of my friends live elsewhere so its hard to avoid the dreaded cold. There is no beautiful yard to admire while getting lost in thought on a swing. Just the clank of a train as it goes by is here to rattle my brain. I would trade being able to go walk into my friend’s room for being able to walk into my grandparent’s room instantly. I feel like I’m missing out on so many little family moments. (Interestingly enough, they are very rare, even when I am home so I’m not truly missing much.)
On a side note: My parents seem to be much more lenient than they once were, each time I go home I’m allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 if I have a good arguable reason. That sounds like nothing, but it would have been unheard of in the past. I suspect they allow me to get away with such things because they want me to be happy. They want me to keep coming back to this place and calling it home.
Graduation woes. May 24, 2011
Were the only downside to today. I really am not that excited about graduation. My cousin, however, is. I agreed to a combined birthday party to minimize on the amount of annoyance to my extended family. We are having 2 graduations, 2 parties, and a birthday party all in the same week. My cousin did not want to combine her birthday party and graduation party. I therefore volunteered to combine my graduation party with her’s saving my family from at least one event. Little did I realize that this would be any trouble at all. It has led to some tension only due to the fact that my dear cousin invited my friends to this party without talking to me first and seems not to think it strange to invite my friends to a home that is an hour away. Yes, it is almost like my home, but no, it is not somewhere I feel comfortable inviting my friends. Thank you. I also would like to not be involved in planing activities for the friends of her’s that are are coming. I don’t know what they like and do not like. Sigh, I know she means well, my little sister. I shall just over look this and continue working on her senior letter. We have grown up together, surrounded by the same chaos. That has to count for something.
On a more positive note, I saw one of my best friends today. I remember why I miss him so much when he is gone. The rest of this week is already all planned out and my type A personality is very satisfied knowing what is going down.
I need to get back on good terms with my friends. Pushing people away is never a good idea, even if it seems to minimize hurt.
Tomorrow will consist of baking cookies, thanking teachers, enjoying sunshine, seeing pirates, and just relaxing. I also need to start looking at some random facts to brush up on my trivia skills for Thursday night.
Ramble time over.
Check your totem. January 13, 2011
A reference from the Christopher Nolan movie Inception that suggests that a person should examine their totem (small personal object) in order to determine whether they are in reality or in delusional dreamland.
Intended to be used sarcastically.D-Bag: “I swear every b**** in that club wanted my D.”
Smugster: Go Check your Totem.
I found this mildly hilarious. Thank you, Urban Dictionary for that source of enjoyment. I must re-watch Inception soon.
I had one of those nights that you just can’t even think about sleep last night. All I wanted to do was get up and go on a long run until my legs fell off. This could be called cabin fever to some extent. I never stepped outside at all yesterday, I decided to knock out some homework instead. I heard my alarm go off that tells me to wake up for school when the streets aren’t icy before I feel asleep. I woke up much earlier than usual too. So I’m sort of running on a nap.
Immediately after waking up I decided to supplement my existing work out routines with something from the Nike Training iPhone app. Loved it (enough though I lack enough balance to do a couple drills). I don’t think I’ve sweat that much in a long time. It felt good.
Then an apple. What what? It’s been too long that I haven’t eaten one of these delectable things. My taste buds sort of went into shock. Apples=love. Too bad my teeth have gotten too sensitive to cold to eat them too often.
I try to keep up with the world and what’s happening. I try not to be just another one of those oblivious teens that is just liven life and doesn’t care about what else is going on. I have the second part down, I care, I’m curious. Even with constantly checking the news and things, I realize that I’m still not completely up to date. Politics, weather, and criminals aren’t life. There are so many things that are always going on that we will never be aware of until they hit the mainstream media. Now that were things get a little hazy. The media shouldn’t rule the information of the world. But the laziness of people has let it do just that.
Today is Lohri, a Hindu/Indian festival. If you asked me now, I couldn’t tell you what it was about. This is a sad statement. I know. It’s even more sad because it is more specific to northern India and the state where my family once lived. I’m thinking that there is a ceremony that involves a bonfire and celebrating winter and lots of food. I shall ask my grandparents in a few minutes. I don’t want to go to the family gathering tonight without some sort of background.
I hear “Fly like a G6” playing somewhere. Unmistakable bass.
The Super Bowl will be coming soon. I really should start settling down on a team. Knowing me, it will be game specific. It almost always is. I wish I LOVED a team, but I don’t. I was fairly impartial during the Auburn-Oregon game this year. I just like Cam Newton and like it when whatever team my cousin is supporting loses. Out of the colleges that I could go to, only one of them has a well recognized team. That college is also my fall-back, go figure. I guess I may just have to get used to losing.
I think its time for some core work, I don’t know what’s gotten into me today. I just want to be tired when I go to sleep tonight.
I need a distraction. November 25, 2010
To take my focus from how uncomfortably full I am. I’m close to my bathroom just in case. Each minute feels like and hour and I am trying my best to get through. The silly thing is that my body has yet another way to signal to me that it needs nourishment now. I don’t like feeling that way without it being my choice. I’m considering just letting it happen until there is nothing left to make me feel like this.
Music makes me feel more awful. I think it’s because whenever I hear anything, I sort of dance inside of my head. Dancing with a full stomach is no fun.
I met someone new today, my mom’s friend’s son. He is a strong advocate of UGA. He went there and got into Medical School. It gives me something to think about. I really don’t even want to to be in engineer.
He talked politics over Thanksgiving dinner. I enjoyed what he had to say, but then again I like hearing my conservative father discuss things with young liberals. One of the things this new guy talked about was the general shift in views as people age. “If you are young and not liberal, then you have no heart; but if you are old and not conservative, then you have no brain.” This was the first time that I heard this quote, after some intense Googling I learned that it is well known among those who are knowledgeable when it comes to politics.
Tomorrow is Black Friday. I’m looking forward to getting up and being with my family. I don’t think the four of us (my mom, dad, sister and me) have been in the same car for months. Sadly, the chance of this changing is very slight. Sometimes it feels like we all live out own lives, just happen to live in the same house. When I was younger I was always so concerned with family time. I refused to have the TV on during dinner and I insisted that we all eat together. Now I go downstairs and grab a piece of toast and a handful of cookies before I head to bed most nights.
I’m ready to stop thinking and sleep. No chance of that happening though.