The more I can see myself be willing to leave it. I love everyone here very much. But there is something very different about being expected to love someone and just loving someone because of who they are. There is something about just wanting to be around someone all the time rather than being forced into it. I enjoy the times that I have here, I do. I just wish there wasn’t as much of this pressure for me to always be here.
I didn’t feel like I was at home until I was at his house and with him. I guess its because its the only thing still consistent about my life. All my other relationships are strained by distance except for that one.
Walking into my own bedroom feels strange. The walls are bare. No Air Force flag, no Colors, nothing. My bed itself is rather uncomfortable, I found myself waking up through the night constantly– it felt far too large to not have someone next to me. I think that’s one of the reasons I tend to move to my sister’s room at night. The floor always looks like it been freshly vacuumed but it has really been weeks. (My mother keeps the door shut while I’m not around.) It’s just very strange.
Looking into my closet makes me worry though. I have so many more things since I came to college, not just clothes but some of everything. I think its one of the only reasons I won’t like being at home when I do go back from longer breaks. Having all my stuff in one place. Bleh.
I love being able to leave my room and have a whole house full of different places to go. Here, if I don’t feel like going outside, my choices are other dorm rooms or the lounge. And even then, many of my friends live elsewhere so its hard to avoid the dreaded cold. There is no beautiful yard to admire while getting lost in thought on a swing. Just the clank of a train as it goes by is here to rattle my brain. I would trade being able to go walk into my friend’s room for being able to walk into my grandparent’s room instantly. I feel like I’m missing out on so many little family moments. (Interestingly enough, they are very rare, even when I am home so I’m not truly missing much.)
On a side note: My parents seem to be much more lenient than they once were, each time I go home I’m allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 if I have a good arguable reason. That sounds like nothing, but it would have been unheard of in the past. I suspect they allow me to get away with such things because they want me to be happy. They want me to keep coming back to this place and calling it home.
Were the only downside to today. I really am not that excited about graduation. My cousin, however, is. I agreed to a combined birthday party to minimize on the amount of annoyance to my extended family. We are having 2 graduations, 2 parties, and a birthday party all in the same week. My cousin did not want to combine her birthday party and graduation party. I therefore volunteered to combine my graduation party with her’s saving my family from at least one event. Little did I realize that this would be any trouble at all. It has led to some tension only due to the fact that my dear cousin invited my friends to this party without talking to me first and seems not to think it strange to invite my friends to a home that is an hour away. Yes, it is almost like my home, but no, it is not somewhere I feel comfortable inviting my friends. Thank you. I also would like to not be involved in planing activities for the friends of her’s that are are coming. I don’t know what they like and do not like. Sigh, I know she means well, my little sister. I shall just over look this and continue working on her senior letter. We have grown up together, surrounded by the same chaos. That has to count for something.
On a more positive note, I saw one of my best friends today. I remember why I miss him so much when he is gone. The rest of this week is already all planned out and my type A personality is very satisfied knowing what is going down.
I need to get back on good terms with my friends. Pushing people away is never a good idea, even if it seems to minimize hurt.
Tomorrow will consist of baking cookies, thanking teachers, enjoying sunshine, seeing pirates, and just relaxing. I also need to start looking at some random facts to brush up on my trivia skills for Thursday night.
Ramble time over.
A reference from the Christopher Nolan movie Inception that suggests that a person should examine their totem (small personal object) in order to determine whether they are in reality or in delusional dreamland.Intended to be used sarcastically.
D-Bag: “I swear every b**** in that club wanted my D.”Smugster: Go Check your Totem.
I found this mildly hilarious. Thank you, Urban Dictionary for that source of enjoyment. I must re-watch Inception soon.
I had one of those nights that you just can’t even think about sleep last night. All I wanted to do was get up and go on a long run until my legs fell off. This could be called cabin fever to some extent. I never stepped outside at all yesterday, I decided to knock out some homework instead. I heard my alarm go off that tells me to wake up for school when the streets aren’t icy before I feel asleep. I woke up much earlier than usual too. So I’m sort of running on a nap.
Immediately after waking up I decided to supplement my existing work out routines with something from the Nike Training iPhone app. Loved it (enough though I lack enough balance to do a couple drills). I don’t think I’ve sweat that much in a long time. It felt good.
Then an apple. What what? It’s been too long that I haven’t eaten one of these delectable things. My taste buds sort of went into shock. Apples=love. Too bad my teeth have gotten too sensitive to cold to eat them too often.
Sxephil break.
I try to keep up with the world and what’s happening. I try not to be just another one of those oblivious teens that is just liven life and doesn’t care about what else is going on. I have the second part down, I care, I’m curious. Even with constantly checking the news and things, I realize that I’m still not completely up to date. Politics, weather, and criminals aren’t life. There are so many things that are always going on that we will never be aware of until they hit the mainstream media. Now that were things get a little hazy. The media shouldn’t rule the information of the world. But the laziness of people has let it do just that.
Snack break.
Today is Lohri, a Hindu/Indian festival. If you asked me now, I couldn’t tell you what it was about. This is a sad statement. I know. It’s even more sad because it is more specific to northern India and the state where my family once lived. I’m thinking that there is a ceremony that involves a bonfire and celebrating winter and lots of food. I shall ask my grandparents in a few minutes. I don’t want to go to the family gathering tonight without some sort of background.
I hear “Fly like a G6” playing somewhere. Unmistakable bass.
The Super Bowl will be coming soon. I really should start settling down on a team. Knowing me, it will be game specific. It almost always is. I wish I LOVED a team, but I don’t. I was fairly impartial during the Auburn-Oregon game this year. I just like Cam Newton and like it when whatever team my cousin is supporting loses. Out of the colleges that I could go to, only one of them has a well recognized team. That college is also my fall-back, go figure. I guess I may just have to get used to losing.
I think its time for some core work, I don’t know what’s gotten into me today. I just want to be tired when I go to sleep tonight.
Have this unmatched capability to make me angry with my family. Every year, I get mad at the sloppy work of who ever decided to put them up. This year, it was me. My sister came home and asked with a slight tone of surprise “Did you put the lights up? They look really bad.” See the way it works is that one person decides to get them out, untangle them, sort them, make up some kind of plan, and then puts it all together. That one person always ends up doing a terrible job so my sister and/or I go and correct them the next day. It has become an unspoken tradition.
I had been locked in my room for days, leaving only for work, family, or very special friends. My dad even commented on how he hasn’t seem me for the longest time. I think he was a little worried. I put a smile on and told him I was going to the library and the park to get some reading done. Bad mistake. The library closed at 5pm apparently. I thought it was at 6, the fact that it was Sunday did not occur to me. I saw a couple friends there I wish I hadn’t. I turned and went to my favorite swing. There I read some of Frankenstein. I did my best to focus. I was getting into the book when I noticed that my face was wet. The book no longer held my attention, instead I let myself fall back into thought. My thoughts shifted to the previous times I had been on that swing. There was the project to clean up the park; there was the time I ran into some students in classes I had helped; there was the time I just wanted to get away from it all; there was a time I ran into a guy and his family; and the time when I was just people watching. I’m sure I’ve been to that place more than I can remember. It’s been a spot I’ve loved since my previous neighbor’s grand daughter had been my best friend. We used to swing on those swings together when Ms. Carmen took her walks. We used to have Candy (my neighbor’s dog) wait near the fence and swing backwards looking at her.
I decided it was time to leave that place within 20 minutes of arriving. During the walk back to the truck I thought about where I wanted to be. Not just where I wanted to drive to at that moment, but where I wanted to be in life. It’s a difficult thing to explain. I decided to go to the gazebo that my friend and I share as a place to think and talk, during the drive there I realized the amount of time I was allowing myself to be free to think about whatever I wanted was holding me down. I needed some sort of distraction to occupy my mind.Christmas lights were what I thought of first, so I decided to head home instead.
I guess school should have that covered until winter break. I doubt it will though.
The last thing before I went to sleep was not brush my teeth or wash my face, it was stuff a cookie into my mouth. I woke up and continued. After the second cookie I thought about it. My emotional eating has to stop.
I’ve been having strange dreams lately. Last nights dream was some odd version of reality. I had a baby, and named her Hope. The thought of that dumb TV show never crossed my mind, I realized they were the same name once I woke up. Anyways this child’s father did not exist. Within the dream I tried to figure out who it could be but failed, all of my friends just came to mind. My FRIENDS. What? I’m talking about all of the girls and guys close to me. I just decided that this baby didn’t have a father. I didn’t actually dream about being pregnant or giving birth, she just appeared while I was in the middle of a dream about a family vacation. Hope was a little girl with blonde curly hair (so cliche – angelic golden curls). She remained an infant for most of my dream. She was a little secret within our family. My grandparents took care of her while I was out of the house doing my day to day things. When I came home, everything changed. I took care of her and did my homework, and when it was time to sleep I tried for a few nights to have her sleep in this yellow crib next to me, but she preferred to sleep on my bed. I gave up pillows for her that I love pilled on my bed. The focus of the dream then shifted to war, it was coming and I was worried. After a day of watching grim news I came home to find Hope had become a miniature adult, she had skipped every stage of growth and was now just a tiny person. I had suspected it was a dream that I was in to begin with but now I was sure. She could walk and played hide and seek with her to test her skills with staying hidden. I continued to wrap her in a blanket and carry her, she did not object. When we got to my room she asked why I was so looked so worried. I thought about how innocent she was, she knew no history. She knew nothing about the dangers of the world. But I told her, I told her of war; I don’t know why but I focused on WWII in particular, it just seemed to be a prime example of all the hate in the world. I explained situations in Korea. She didn’t worry, she just comforted me. It was when Hope did this that I realized my whole life had become about her. I spoke to no one extraneously. I focused solely on her.
I didn’t like this and I woke up to see that it was well into the afternoon. I have been sleeping my life away. Dreams are becoming my new friends.
To take my focus from how uncomfortably full I am. I’m close to my bathroom just in case. Each minute feels like and hour and I am trying my best to get through. The silly thing is that my body has yet another way to signal to me that it needs nourishment now. I don’t like feeling that way without it being my choice. I’m considering just letting it happen until there is nothing left to make me feel like this.
Music makes me feel more awful. I think it’s because whenever I hear anything, I sort of dance inside of my head. Dancing with a full stomach is no fun.
I met someone new today, my mom’s friend’s son. He is a strong advocate of UGA. He went there and got into Medical School. It gives me something to think about. I really don’t even want to to be in engineer.
He talked politics over Thanksgiving dinner. I enjoyed what he had to say, but then again I like hearing my conservative father discuss things with young liberals. One of the things this new guy talked about was the general shift in views as people age. “If you are young and not liberal, then you have no heart; but if you are old and not conservative, then you have no brain.” This was the first time that I heard this quote, after some intense Googling I learned that it is well known among those who are knowledgeable when it comes to politics.
Tomorrow is Black Friday. I’m looking forward to getting up and being with my family. I don’t think the four of us (my mom, dad, sister and me) have been in the same car for months. Sadly, the chance of this changing is very slight. Sometimes it feels like we all live out own lives, just happen to live in the same house. When I was younger I was always so concerned with family time. I refused to have the TV on during dinner and I insisted that we all eat together. Now I go downstairs and grab a piece of toast and a handful of cookies before I head to bed most nights.
I’m ready to stop thinking and sleep. No chance of that happening though.
