TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Best Friend. February 16, 2011

Filed under: friends — teddygrams @ 10:06 pm
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How many people truly know the meaning out this? I know I do. Putting it to words could be rather difficult though. I don’t remember an exact day when I the words “best friend” first crossed my mind or even who they were in reference to.

Growing up, I felt like I had a strange curse. All of my “best friends” always left me with the exception of my best friend and cousin who has always been there in the background. There was Hailey, our neighbor that I grew up with. I was convinced that we would forever be together. She moved to the wretched land of Canada. All my other friends knew how close we were and consoled me. I soon met Catherine, a foster child who talked to me as I moped the exit of Hailey from my life. We became as close as we could be within a year’s time, but she too moved. Foster children always seems to be leaving. My next best friend was a girl that I still see everyday. We were close from the fourth grade to about sixth when our class schedules no longer matched up enough. This year, twelfth grade, is actually the first time that I’ve had a class with her since. I was left in middle school best-friend less. I finally found a new best friend in a boy in my math class. A boy that I lost quickly to his girlfriends to be (though, they are both close to me now, 4 years later.) It was around this point, in eight grade that I began to call my new neighbor my best friend. I had known her for about half a year. For almost all of the 5 years that I’ve known this girl, I’ve called her my best friend.

I have had exactly one person who I called best friend without hesitation, I could never see anything going wrong. Why? Because I saw nothing else but perfection in my best friend. When I say perfection, I don’t mean each action was perfectly good or that she did nothing wrong, far from that. I saw the perfect best friend according to my history. A best friend who would not leave me. A friend who I would maintain ties with my whole life, never lose to the corrosiveness of time. All I worried about was physical distance and not having enough time together. I forgot about the depth of out relationship, I forgot about the inevitable chaos that enters our lives.

I have such trouble saying these two words now, best friend. Why? Because my fatal flaw is my lack of the ability to forgive. Granted, I say I have forgiven. I have for the most part. I have forgiven my friend for her actions, for her choices. I have not forgiven her for teaching my a lesson about myself. I am not as independent as I like to think. I’m always looking for support.  I think my little best-friend chronology shows that. I need people. I especially need her.

My mother came in for a second to show me a new shirt that she had bought and I asked her to stay. I told her about the awful day that my friend had gone through today. I told her about the things that she had to deal with. Alone, without me. I feel terrible, I hoped all day long that she would make plans with me. Now that I think about it, why would she? All that she wanted was to forget it all. It is the job of a “best friend” to deem it necessary to make plans and execute them when a friend is feeling down. My mother gave me one look and told me to stop worrying about it and to try to study. My mother has obviously never experienced the companionship of a best friend.

I have an awful headache right now that is making reading my government book to prepare for my test tomorrow almost impossible.  I think sleep would be a better idea.

 

Protected: Your mom. February 15, 2011

Filed under: friends — teddygrams @ 7:52 pm
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Protected: December 17th. December 17, 2010

Filed under: family,friends,school,work/internship — teddygrams @ 9:32 pm

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Protected: I’m waiting for the day. December 14, 2010

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I wonder what will heal faster: December 9, 2010

Filed under: friends,work/internship — teddygrams @ 10:35 pm
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This burn on my arm or the hole in my heart?

Yes I realize this is a tad dramatic. It was just a thought that crossed my mind as I told my friend about how my burn is starting to open up. It’s interesting how the progression of the burn matches that of the situation that I’m in right now.

I shouldn’t have tried to help out by trying to make the oil hit the trash can instead. I should have just let things happen as they did.

Immediately after I got hurt, I did some damage control and went on working to the best of my ability.  I went through the motions mindlessly and put on my best fake smile. It gave me time to dwell on the idea of the burn, I thought about what my arm had looked like before, just in case it never looks the same again. I wanted to remember. After the working day was over and I finally got a chance to think about the pain, it hit me. I left the wound visible for a little while and shared my battle story with my friends and family. Soon, I decided that this was enough and I started covering it. As of now, I’m reaching the point where the skin is coming off, the rawness of the wound is showing. It still hurts, but only when I think about it, stretch the skin, or move too quickly. I guess I could just wait on it to heal on its own, but that it the best way to gain a scar. Burns heal slowly. While they heal, they make a person more susceptible to illness – it is broken skin after all.  I’ll do what I can to help it heal. The doctor says it will take months. Even with all the different creams and treatments, there maybe a scar on my arm forever.

 

I just had to check. December 2, 2010

Filed under: friends,random — teddygrams @ 11:34 pm
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And he is right. A friend texted me asking if I was okay. He had just been reading this stuff. I was surprised that he could tell from my writing that something was wrong and went on to tell him about some things. I came back to actually read what I have written in the past few weeks and man. This is not me. It sounds so awful. Everything.

This has to change.

Currently, I am not blogging because my parents are annoyed that I write so much and I am so far behind on school stuff. I’m playing catch up right now. It’s the end of semester rush. 7 more tests, finals, then freedom. For a couple weeks that is. I need to keep my GPA up for scholarships. I’m going to try to keep my senioristis at the level it is at currently. Maybe even push it a little more.

I must sleep now. I have to wake up in a few hours to study some more.

 

Black Friday Nightmares. November 26, 2010

Not really. It was a fairly good day, but a great evening. My mother forgot to set a 3 am alarm for us so I awoke to a family rushing to get out of the door. I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, I just enjoyed listening to music with my sister and messing around with her. She found this oddly shaped piece of cocking that had come off of the building we were waiting in line next to. She proceeded to throw it at everyone: my mother and father, my grandfather, and me. We laughed and laughed and before we knew it the line was moving. It reminded me of being really little and unable to wait. We really didn’t care about going into the stores, we just enjoyed each other’s company.

When we got home I crawled back into bed. My sister soon joined me and snuggled up with a few of the many pillows that surround me as I sleep. She was quick to leave; she prefers the softness of her bed to mine. I slept for almost 6 more hours. In that time I had some of the most vivid dreams I have had in a long time.

It started on a Broadway stage. It was “The Little Mermaid.” I was Ariel. This does not surprise me. I have seen the Little Mermaid movies too many times to count. The first song that I ever learned to sing was “Part of Your World.” I still to this day sing it in the shower. Anyways, the setting of the dream shifted from the stage to an actual place. I felt like I was IN the movie. It was as if there were still people watching and I was still nervous about messing up. There was barely any time for worrying though, I was on a ship (presumably Price Eric’s) and the water around me was beginning to move in. It was like Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean. Ursula and Davy Jones’ monster were both there stirring the water up enough to take the ship under. Ursula sprayed ink everywhere and everything was black. When I opened my eyes (still in the dream) I was now in a strawberry field. I was wearing a white dress with daisies in my hair and dancing barefoot  – so cliche right. None of this dream was very original until now. All of my loved ones started to join me in my dance. Soon their loved ones appeared as well, and the loved one’s loved ones appeared. It was like the 6 degrees of seperation rule had brought everyone in existence (real or in memory)  to this field and we all had not a care in the world except having a good time together. The feeling that I felt at that moment in that dream is impossible to describe, it was beyond joy or happiness.  The collective cheer sparked something; it is that something that I think we are all after in our lives. I had a few moments to ponder this before the dream changed. All the people that must not have truly been living dropped to the ground. Terror spread. Despair crept its way through the crowd. Reality returned. I awoke to see that it was the afternoon. I joined my father and sister; we went back out shopping. I spent the rest of the day quiet, thinking about this dream.

This evening was nice. It was a nice little close to my Thanksgiving break. Tomorrow will come and I will resume my normal weekend schedule and the worry about exams will begin.

Today was my best friend’s grandfather’s 89th birthday. It makes me think of the future. All grandparents have stories to tell, the common theme is change. I’m content with the way my life is now. Change is coming. I guess I just have to accept that. When I was really little I would always wonder when something new would come. I would want to make new friends, live in new places, study different things. I’ve settled into habits now, sort of strange to think about. I like my established friends, I don’t want to move away from what I have, and I wish that I could narrow my studies to certain things. I’ve become much more close-minded. It needs to change. This ramblely passage is not what I intended it to be but so be it.

I think my sister’s presence in the room somehow has effected the way I’m writing. It is strange to have another person watch the words spill across the screen. I don’t mind it though. Today has been a good day with her. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

 

I’m looking for something important to write about. November 22, 2010

Google news, yahoo, and the AJC fail to capture my interest this morning. I have woken up to such a blah kind of mood. I know that those awful stories about whats going on in the world normally get to me, but not today.

It’s thanksgiving week. Last year, I made a list of everything I was thankful for. This year I plan to do the same so I’ve been thinking about it in my spare mental time. I started this list when I was with one of my best friends in a very relaxing, spiritual  place. Everyone around me was happy; they all knew each other and cared for each other. It was hard not to smile when in that atmosphere. It made me wonder: I have never felt this way while at my own family’s religious events. Is it that language barrier? Is it the fact that Hinduism does not actively seek to convert people, to convince people that it is right? No one prays for the non-believers during Hindu ceremonies, or if they do I have no understanding of it. As much as if that simple prayer for those who have not yet accepted God should have annoyed me, it made me feel like someone cared. Or maybe this was all due to the fact I was with one of my best friends who all this is very important to. Whatever the cause of that feeling was, I know that it was a very good experience.

An unrelated thing that I have been turning in my mind lately is the idea of regret. Some people say they live with no regrets. How is that even possible? Wouldn’t it require not ever rethinking the past? I mentioned this to one of my best friends recently. She said that she simply chose not to do things she would regret. Isn’t that the whole concept of regret though? Everything is in retrospect. Previous to making choices it is hesitation. Of course the biggest flaw of this plan is being wrong. What if you think you won’t regret something but you do? What then?  I try my best to make decisions that I can live with, but I have slipped up in the last few weeks a few times. I know for a fact that I have regrets, but I just don’t keep a running list to think about. I try to brush them off as new experiences and ignorance. I just really want a good explanation for this.

 

A bittersweet kind of happy. November 19, 2010

Filed under: friends,school — teddygrams @ 9:49 pm
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Accepted . It’s not what I wanted it to be. My family is happy, so that makes me happy. Honestly though, I’m not even sure about this whole idea. I like it here, that is for sure, but I don’t really know anything else. I have never set foot on any other college campuses that I even like. This decision, deciding the setting for my future to unfold in, is unnerving. I hate the idea of regretting a choice as big as this. I think it is why I can’t say no to my father when he asks me to apply to more colleges geared toward the programs that he wants me to be in.

I’m somewhat relieved too though. I have been struggling this year to keep my grades at the same standard they were once at. I know my grades still matter, but the little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I won’t go to college has dulled to a little whisper.

This weekend has overall been very enjoyable. I have made a few new friends and spent the days living the life of a college student. I know that the times that are coming will be rough, but what I have noticed here is that everyone sticks together. Homework is done together and all nighters are done in teams. Friends keep other friends in check.

I haven’t slept for the longest time period of my life today. I think I have been up for 40 hours. That is right 40 hours. I think I’ll just close my eyes until it is time to go somewhere.

 

“Just the thought of you can make me smile.” November 17, 2010

Filed under: friends,issues,life — teddygrams @ 5:24 pm
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This song has been stuck in my head all day long. Just a few more days until I can see one of the most important people in my life. Smiling is what defines our relationship; even during our tough times there have been tearful smiles. I really wonder why though that a few weeks ago I began to miss him so much. I was fine before that knowing that I would see him when I see him. I’m sure it relates to the backwards steps that I feel I have taken since this summer when I started to think about things differently, when I started to grow up. Instead of becoming more mature, I have spiraled downward to where I am now. It sort of makes me nervous to think that I won’t be able to get back up to my wonderfully productive days; I miss the days that consisted of school, work, internship, homework, sleep. Well really I miss the ability to excel during those days. Busyness used to define me, now I’m just burned out.

This morning I woke to the shrill sound of my phone alarm. I was annoyed that my phone was buried under the mountain of blankets and pillows that I sleep with. After locating it and taking one look at my phone I saw that today was going to be just as awful as yesterday. I hurried to call my friend and get her to my house so I could drive her to school. We needed to talk.

It turned out to be not so bad though. I was just scared of everyone being mad at me for being so weak.

Talking about things used to be so easy. These days I find myself just wanting to curl up with a blanket and paper to get things out. I can feel myself slipping away. I remember the dreadful days of sophomore year. That is a time in my life that I don’t want to think about let alone repeat.

The vagueness of my future is really getting to me. Ambition really used to drive me. What happen? I’m just looking for definition in my life I guess. In every way possible.