TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Advisment Musings February 9, 2011

I really don’t have much time to get anything worthwhile down, it’s the problem that I face every time that I have the urge to write. My notebooks are full of little paragraphs here and there of my nonsensical thoughts. I’ve been wanting to do an ins and outs for January, but I think we are a little too far into February for it to be acceptable to do so.

It’s February. The month of love. I just bought a “Crush Can” for my friend from her boyfriend. I think its cute. Lately, people have been hating Valentine’s Day. I’m sure this happens every year, but I’ve noticed it more this year, maybe because I don’t really want to buy anything for anyone. Being alone on Valentine’s day has never bothered me, I always have the love fo my friends. But this year, I’m still just trying to get back into feeling the love. Love haters are just so sour. I don’t like that I fall under the “sour people” category as of now.

I really do wonder where my life is going. In calculus, I’m constantly thinking about how I will not be able to survive the next four years without absorbing this vital information. I think that because I want an engineering degree AND a medical doctor degree. People tell me that I’m insane. I think I am too. I’m fairly terrible at Calculus (really only because I lack fundamental skills, I can talk you through a problem, I just can’t do it myself). It would save a lot of pain just to be a Pre-med Biology Major. Mercer would save a lot of pain. I’m still indifferent though — I won’t mind not being accepted to this program. I may still actually go to this college anyways, they have actual closets in their dorm rooms.

I might want to go into research, I might want to just be an engineer, I might want to get an MD and do Doctors Without Borders. I might want to do a lot with my life. I hope I do.

I think it might be time to start writing senior letters so my procrastination won’t get the best of me next month. I really only am counting the days of school that are left until spring break, after that it is just review and AP exams. 50 days.

Last year around this time, I met one of the closest people who exists to me. He was worried about the friends that he may lose due to the distance that he would be going away to college. I am too, I’m worried that I have  invested too much time onto some people and not enough into others. Sure, I may be a little sad to lose friends that I will inevitably grow apart from, but I’ve enjoyed the time that I’ve spent with everyone. I’m worried about regretting things. I wish that I could live without them, but avoiding regret is what keeps the world rational.  I don’t want to be lonely any more. The chain should come off the door.

 

I’m looking for something important to write about. November 22, 2010

Google news, yahoo, and the AJC fail to capture my interest this morning. I have woken up to such a blah kind of mood. I know that those awful stories about whats going on in the world normally get to me, but not today.

It’s thanksgiving week. Last year, I made a list of everything I was thankful for. This year I plan to do the same so I’ve been thinking about it in my spare mental time. I started this list when I was with one of my best friends in a very relaxing, spiritual  place. Everyone around me was happy; they all knew each other and cared for each other. It was hard not to smile when in that atmosphere. It made me wonder: I have never felt this way while at my own family’s religious events. Is it that language barrier? Is it the fact that Hinduism does not actively seek to convert people, to convince people that it is right? No one prays for the non-believers during Hindu ceremonies, or if they do I have no understanding of it. As much as if that simple prayer for those who have not yet accepted God should have annoyed me, it made me feel like someone cared. Or maybe this was all due to the fact I was with one of my best friends who all this is very important to. Whatever the cause of that feeling was, I know that it was a very good experience.

An unrelated thing that I have been turning in my mind lately is the idea of regret. Some people say they live with no regrets. How is that even possible? Wouldn’t it require not ever rethinking the past? I mentioned this to one of my best friends recently. She said that she simply chose not to do things she would regret. Isn’t that the whole concept of regret though? Everything is in retrospect. Previous to making choices it is hesitation. Of course the biggest flaw of this plan is being wrong. What if you think you won’t regret something but you do? What then?  I try my best to make decisions that I can live with, but I have slipped up in the last few weeks a few times. I know for a fact that I have regrets, but I just don’t keep a running list to think about. I try to brush them off as new experiences and ignorance. I just really want a good explanation for this.