TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

“Just the thought of you can make me smile.” November 17, 2010

Filed under: friends,issues,life — teddygrams @ 5:24 pm
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This song has been stuck in my head all day long. Just a few more days until I can see one of the most important people in my life. Smiling is what defines our relationship; even during our tough times there have been tearful smiles. I really wonder why though that a few weeks ago I began to miss him so much. I was fine before that knowing that I would see him when I see him. I’m sure it relates to the backwards steps that I feel I have taken since this summer when I started to think about things differently, when I started to grow up. Instead of becoming more mature, I have spiraled downward to where I am now. It sort of makes me nervous to think that I won’t be able to get back up to my wonderfully productive days; I miss the days that consisted of school, work, internship, homework, sleep. Well really I miss the ability to excel during those days. Busyness used to define me, now I’m just burned out.

This morning I woke to the shrill sound of my phone alarm. I was annoyed that my phone was buried under the mountain of blankets and pillows that I sleep with. After locating it and taking one look at my phone I saw that today was going to be just as awful as yesterday. I hurried to call my friend and get her to my house so I could drive her to school. We needed to talk.

It turned out to be not so bad though. I was just scared of everyone being mad at me for being so weak.

Talking about things used to be so easy. These days I find myself just wanting to curl up with a blanket and paper to get things out. I can feel myself slipping away. I remember the dreadful days of sophomore year. That is a time in my life that I don’t want to think about let alone repeat.

The vagueness of my future is really getting to me. Ambition really used to drive me. What happen? I’m just looking for definition in my life I guess. In every way possible.

 

An unproductive sleepless night. November 3, 2010

Filed under: friends,issues — teddygrams @ 3:06 am
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It is rather unlike me to do this. Letting petty thoughts consume my being and render me useless when it comes to school work is just not my style. Ever since I heard the word “no” from my best friend’s mouth this evening, my mind has been filled with puzzlement. I had simply asked if I could open a message from a good male friend of mine to her. Why could I not open this? Surely, we all are a big happy family. She proceeded to tell me that it contains information that my good male friend did not want disclosed to me. This worried me. At this point, the item that was being kept a secret did not bother me, it was the fact that there was something hidden. I needed to know why. Had I been an awful friend? Had my little interest in drama finally begun to take a toll on my friendships?

I texted this male friend of mine only to have him call and tell me that he did not want to tell me this secret in order to protect a female friend’s privacy. I immediately knew what it could be. She had told me, hadn’t she? My male friend and I had actually had this conversation before. I was angry he had forgotten that we had discussed this topic numerous times before. At the time I admitted what I did was childish, but for a purpose of self satisfaction, I had to know.

Soon by best friend left my house and I was left alone with my thoughts. I had been forbidden to open the message. She had left access to it up on my computer, but I did not touch it. In fact, to lessen temptation I quickly closed it. I had to think. Why would my male friend deny my access to the knowledge of his conversation with my best friend? There had to be something else. I thought back to the discussion and after reconsidering the implications that he could have been making by his comments, I have come to a conclusion. This conclusion has to be right, everything lines up, including all the hints made over the last few months extraneous from the events tonight. Except for the actions of my girl-friend. I feel that in order for me to be correct, her actions would have had to be out of character. After coming to this standing, I decided the best way to satisfy my curiosity would be to confront her directly. She could easily confirm or deny my suspicion. I had all intentions of being blunt with her as I most always am, but for the sake of politeness I simply asked if there was something substantial that she had withheld from me. She said she could not think of any. Not a direct no. I let it go, I distracted myself with my Economics and Calculus. Now, as I am trying to sleep, I cannot get this out of my head.

There were actually a quiet a few interesting events taking place tonight in the world, but I would rather not mix them into this garbage.  I shall write more seriously later.

 

This is going to sound silly. October 31, 2010

Filed under: issues,life,school — teddygrams @ 9:07 pm
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Sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to listen to myself think. My own thoughts stress me out so much that I just become nonfunctional. For the last couple days I have had a few things pressing my mind.

Going vegan for a week was a spontaneous idea. No, I was not watching PETA videos or looking up the milk production process. I just walked into my room and saw Sophie, my lovely teddy bear, on the floor. This made me think of how careless I was with how I treated her, which in turn led my thoughts to the treatment of animals. I have been a vegetarian my basically my whole life. I have never even tasted most types of meat. Does it mean that I should have no guilt when it came to all the stuff PETA whines about? No. Even being a vegetarian, my life is still not cruelty free. This thought does not cross my mind often enough. I know that I will not be able to be vegan for my whole life; I don’t have that much will-power. A friend asked earlier today why I was doing this. My answer was somewhere along the lines of: Even though I will not be a life-long vegan, I will, however, gain awareness for my whole life.

Another completely different thing that has been on my mind: College. Oh how I am ready for the day to come when I am officially a college student. However since colleges cater to those who like to change their minds last minute like myself, I have now idea where this day will be. I wish I had been one of those kids who has wanted to go to the same college since they were 10. But I’m not. Instead I’m like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to choose. The only difference is the amount of gravity this choice will have on my life. My fall back is one of the public colleges in-state. The problem is that I don’t know where my target school is. My reach schools are definitely some of the BS/MD programs I have applied to. I recently took the SAT and ACT. So far I have gotten my SAT scores and they are right at where they need to be: above average and in the top percentiles. Although, I was really hoping that I would wow myself and exceed my achievable goal. What gets me is that scores that ivy league schools look for are achieved by less than 5% of the kids in the country. The top 5%, the academic elite.    I have decided that unlike originally planned, I will be applying to no ivy league schools. They require SAT subject tests anyways, of which I have taken none.

Speaking of tests, I have quite a few piling up. I have been in and out of school due to headaches and field trips. I have 4 difficult tests in the next few days. None of which is a no-brainer type of test. Each one will require a large chuck of study time. The grades are very important on these tests because I am on the edge in a couple subjects. I would like A’s please, not the B’s that I’m going to get if I don’t study hard. I talked to my father today about this. He recommended dropping my math class one level down. It would still be an AP class, but slower and more accommodating to my busy schedule. For one of the first times in my life I actually do want to drop to a class that is not the highest level. Too bad it’s too late. My class is 2 chapters ahead of the class that I would have to drop to. We have already finished all the requirements of the class one step down. I don’t think my Calculus teacher would mind at all if I wasn’t in his class; I don’t think he enjoys my presence much anyways. I saw him at a play that I promised my sister I would take her to at my school.

 

The meaning of “scandalous” has changed. September 24, 2009

Filed under: family,issues,school — teddygrams @ 11:03 pm
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It was “Decade Day” at school. I wore a long poodle skirt from the 50s and makeup that took to long to put on. When I got to class I noticed my teacher had a poodle skirt on as well, but hers only came to just below her knees, this would have been scandalous at the time.

Nowadays, there is almost nothing when it comes to clothing that is scandalous. We have seen it all, or in in some cases haven’t seen clothing at all. It interesting how little one can wear in public, but nudism is still shunned. I understand the message of nudism, but personally I would never be comfortable enough to do it. I was thinking about this as I was changing from my fifties outfit into something more acceptable for my job at a cafe. I shimmed out of that long shielding skirt and back into the acceptable shorts of today and a T-shirt.

When I got home this became an issue. My father who is very traditional asked about why I would wear something so casual to work, even if I’m just cleaning and taking orders. He said that no one dressed as ridiculous as me. This is coming from a father who asked why I did not dress in 50s clothing everyday. I took this opportunity to open his eyes to how many of his clothing restrictions that I have followed in the past and still do. I have been careful about skirt lengths my whole life, made sure necklines weren’t too low, and struggled to find tank tops that weer acceptable.  He really didn’t understand what short shorts were. This have gotten to the point were one may have to question weather something is inner wear or outerwear and he is concerned with my modest running shorts.

This brings me to another thing that I noticed today. My entire family tends to point out that my clothing is inappropriate when it is just regular stuff. As soon as I put on a traditional eastern outfit, the only thing that I can possibly be reprimanded about is wearing the wrong color. People always say to pick and chose your battles, but sometime things are just go hand in hand. If I am allowed to wear a top that exposes half of my stomach, then why not a tank top that only exposes the shoulders? Before today I had just accepted this fact and laughed about it many times. But today, after that little argument, it stayed at the back of my mind bothering me.

To my father, anything that makes me look my age is scandalous. To my grandparents, anything causal is scandalous. To me, anything that could be mistaken for underwear is scandalous. To the world? The only type of scandals left related to clothing are wardrobe malfunctions or lack of clothing altogether.