TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Sparknotes is not going to save me this time. November 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 7:59 am

I have not been paying much attention in my Literature class for the longest of times. A performance final is coming and there is nothing I will be able to write about. Now I have to choose which work of literature I want to Sparknote and sort of know for tomorrow. It’s looking like Frankenstein will be the best option, but I know nothing of the plot. I would not be starting from scratch with Hamlet. Frankenstein knowledge will be put to use though for the next two weeks. It would be better to read it.

I miss the good times when I read for fun. When I had time to.

 

I’m limiting my choices. November 28, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 10:59 pm

The decision is made. I will not be applying to any more colleges. There is one exception and that is only if I have a really good chance of getting in. There is no way I can afford to go out-of-state. Vanderbilt, Duke, Stanford, and Hopkins are now off the list. UGA or GT. This is the choice I am giving myself.

That’s all. I have things to do now.

 

Christmas lights.

Have this unmatched capability to make me angry with my family. Every year, I get mad at the sloppy work of who ever decided to put them up. This year, it was me. My sister came home and asked with a slight tone of surprise “Did you put the lights up? They look really bad.” See the way it works is that one person decides to get them out, untangle them, sort them, make up some kind of plan, and then puts it all together. That one person always ends up doing a terrible job so my sister and/or I go and correct them the next day. It has become an unspoken tradition.

I had been locked in my room for days, leaving only for work, family, or very special friends. My dad even commented on how he hasn’t seem me for the longest time. I think he was a little worried. I put a smile on and told him I was going to the library and the park to get some reading done. Bad mistake. The library closed at 5pm apparently. I thought it was at 6, the fact that it was Sunday did not occur to me. I saw a couple friends there I wish I hadn’t. I turned and went to my  favorite swing. There I read some of Frankenstein.  I did my best to focus. I was getting into the book when I noticed that my face was wet. The book no longer held my attention, instead I let myself fall back into thought. My thoughts shifted to the previous times I had been on that swing. There was the project to clean up the park; there was the time I  ran into some students in classes I had helped; there was the time I just wanted to get away from it all; there was a time I ran into a guy and his family; and the time when I was just people watching. I’m sure I’ve been to that place more than I can remember. It’s been a spot I’ve loved since my previous neighbor’s grand daughter had been my best friend. We used to swing on those swings together when Ms. Carmen took her walks. We used to have Candy (my neighbor’s dog) wait near the fence and swing backwards looking at her.

I decided it was time to leave that place within 20 minutes of arriving. During the walk back to the truck I thought about where I wanted to be. Not just where I wanted to drive to at that moment, but where I wanted to be in life. It’s a difficult thing to explain. I decided to go to the gazebo that my friend and I share as a place to think and talk, during the drive there I realized the amount of time I was allowing myself to be free to think about whatever I wanted was holding me down. I needed some sort of distraction to occupy my mind.Christmas lights were what I thought of first, so I decided to head home instead.

I guess school should have that  covered until winter break. I doubt it will though.

 

I woke up with a bag of cookies next to me.

Filed under: dreams — teddygrams @ 2:36 pm
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The last thing before I went to sleep was not brush my teeth or wash my face, it was stuff a cookie into my mouth. I woke up and continued. After the second cookie I thought about it. My emotional eating has to stop.

I’ve been having strange dreams lately. Last nights dream was some odd version of reality. I had a baby, and named her Hope. The thought of that dumb TV show never crossed my mind, I realized they were the same name once I woke up. Anyways this child’s father did not exist. Within the dream I tried to figure out who it could be but failed, all of my friends just came to mind. My FRIENDS. What? I’m talking about all of the girls and guys close to me. I just decided that this baby didn’t have a father. I didn’t actually dream about being pregnant or giving birth, she just appeared while I was in the middle of a dream about a family vacation.  Hope was a little girl with blonde curly hair (so cliche – angelic golden curls). She remained an infant for most of my dream. She was a little secret within our family. My grandparents took care of her while I was out of the house doing my day to day things. When I came home, everything changed. I took care of her and did my homework, and when it was time to sleep I tried for a few nights to have her sleep in this yellow crib next to me, but she preferred to sleep on my bed. I gave up pillows for her that I love pilled on my bed. The focus of the dream then shifted to war, it was coming and I was worried. After a day of watching grim news I came home to find Hope had become a miniature adult, she had skipped every stage of growth and was now just a tiny person. I had suspected it was a dream that I was in to begin with but now I was sure.  She could walk and played hide and seek with her to test her skills with staying hidden. I continued to wrap her in a blanket and carry her, she did not object. When we got to my room she asked why I was so looked so worried. I thought about how innocent she was, she knew no history. She knew nothing about the dangers of the world. But I told her, I told her of war; I don’t know why but I focused on WWII in particular, it just seemed to be a prime example of all the hate in the world. I explained situations in Korea. She didn’t worry, she just comforted me. It was when Hope did this that I realized my whole life had become about her. I spoke to no one extraneously. I focused solely on her.

I didn’t like this and I woke up to see that it was well into the afternoon. I have been sleeping my life away. Dreams are becoming my new friends.

 

My heart hurts.

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 1:03 am

It really does. Sure there has been a lot of teenage nonsense going on in my life lately, but my heart really hurts. I’m suffering from a broken heart, I guess. Not from a boy, I still live by the same “don’t give boys enough of you to break your heart.” ideal. When I breathe, my right lung takes in air so much easier than the left. This all sounds so pitiful. Maybe it has something to do with the fact all I’ve eaten today is a bunch of cookies. Laughing hurts.

 

 

Black Friday Nightmares. November 26, 2010

Not really. It was a fairly good day, but a great evening. My mother forgot to set a 3 am alarm for us so I awoke to a family rushing to get out of the door. I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, I just enjoyed listening to music with my sister and messing around with her. She found this oddly shaped piece of cocking that had come off of the building we were waiting in line next to. She proceeded to throw it at everyone: my mother and father, my grandfather, and me. We laughed and laughed and before we knew it the line was moving. It reminded me of being really little and unable to wait. We really didn’t care about going into the stores, we just enjoyed each other’s company.

When we got home I crawled back into bed. My sister soon joined me and snuggled up with a few of the many pillows that surround me as I sleep. She was quick to leave; she prefers the softness of her bed to mine. I slept for almost 6 more hours. In that time I had some of the most vivid dreams I have had in a long time.

It started on a Broadway stage. It was “The Little Mermaid.” I was Ariel. This does not surprise me. I have seen the Little Mermaid movies too many times to count. The first song that I ever learned to sing was “Part of Your World.” I still to this day sing it in the shower. Anyways, the setting of the dream shifted from the stage to an actual place. I felt like I was IN the movie. It was as if there were still people watching and I was still nervous about messing up. There was barely any time for worrying though, I was on a ship (presumably Price Eric’s) and the water around me was beginning to move in. It was like Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean. Ursula and Davy Jones’ monster were both there stirring the water up enough to take the ship under. Ursula sprayed ink everywhere and everything was black. When I opened my eyes (still in the dream) I was now in a strawberry field. I was wearing a white dress with daisies in my hair and dancing barefoot  – so cliche right. None of this dream was very original until now. All of my loved ones started to join me in my dance. Soon their loved ones appeared as well, and the loved one’s loved ones appeared. It was like the 6 degrees of seperation rule had brought everyone in existence (real or in memory)  to this field and we all had not a care in the world except having a good time together. The feeling that I felt at that moment in that dream is impossible to describe, it was beyond joy or happiness.  The collective cheer sparked something; it is that something that I think we are all after in our lives. I had a few moments to ponder this before the dream changed. All the people that must not have truly been living dropped to the ground. Terror spread. Despair crept its way through the crowd. Reality returned. I awoke to see that it was the afternoon. I joined my father and sister; we went back out shopping. I spent the rest of the day quiet, thinking about this dream.

This evening was nice. It was a nice little close to my Thanksgiving break. Tomorrow will come and I will resume my normal weekend schedule and the worry about exams will begin.

Today was my best friend’s grandfather’s 89th birthday. It makes me think of the future. All grandparents have stories to tell, the common theme is change. I’m content with the way my life is now. Change is coming. I guess I just have to accept that. When I was really little I would always wonder when something new would come. I would want to make new friends, live in new places, study different things. I’ve settled into habits now, sort of strange to think about. I like my established friends, I don’t want to move away from what I have, and I wish that I could narrow my studies to certain things. I’ve become much more close-minded. It needs to change. This ramblely passage is not what I intended it to be but so be it.

I think my sister’s presence in the room somehow has effected the way I’m writing. It is strange to have another person watch the words spill across the screen. I don’t mind it though. Today has been a good day with her. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

 

I need a distraction. November 25, 2010

Filed under: random,thoughts — teddygrams @ 9:12 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

To take my focus from how uncomfortably full I am. I’m close to my bathroom just in case. Each minute feels like and hour and I am trying my best to get through. The silly thing is that my body has yet another way to signal to me that it needs nourishment now. I don’t like feeling that way without it being my choice. I’m considering just letting it happen until there is nothing left to make me feel like this.

Music makes me feel more awful. I think it’s because whenever I hear anything, I sort of dance inside of my head. Dancing with a full stomach is no fun.

I met someone new today, my mom’s friend’s son. He is a strong advocate of UGA. He went there and got into Medical School. It gives me something to think about. I really don’t even want to to be in engineer.

He talked politics over Thanksgiving dinner. I enjoyed what he had to say, but then again I like hearing my conservative father discuss things with young liberals. One of the things this new guy talked about was the general shift in views as people age. “If you are young and not liberal, then you have no heart; but if you are old and not conservative, then you have no brain.” This was the first time that I heard this quote, after some intense Googling I learned that it is well known among those who are knowledgeable when it comes to politics.

Tomorrow is Black Friday. I’m looking forward to getting up and being with my family. I don’t think the four of us (my mom, dad, sister and me) have been in the same car for months. Sadly, the chance of this changing is very slight. Sometimes it feels like we all live out own lives, just happen to live in the same house. When I was younger I was always so concerned with family time. I refused to have the TV on during dinner and I insisted that we all eat together. Now I go downstairs and grab a piece of toast and a handful of cookies before I head to bed most nights.

I’m ready to stop thinking and sleep. No chance of that happening though.