The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Masks. February 8, 2011

Filed under: thoughts — teddygrams @ 10:47 pm
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Sadie’s is a masquerade theme, how fitting for a high school dance, a place where no one is actually themselves, just wearing masks pretending to be who everyone wants them to be. Then again, how fitting for life, this “putting on a mask” business is inescapable. Anyways, I don’t think I will be going to Sadie’s . I do not want to ask anyone. I don’t even want to go with friends. I just want to work or something.

Sometimes, when I have titles like this, I never actually post what I write. Just because I think that my ramblings don’t do the one word title justice. I’m fairly certain that this will be the case in the next 20 minutes as I fall asleep. I will ramble and ramble and forget why I even thought of writing in the first place. I will look again at the beginning to see if I had a topic sentence of some sort hint of what I should be getting at and will see the title again. I will see the single word that means so much that I have done nothing to define. I’ll think about how I haven’t posted anything in so long and feel the urge to click publish, but then I’ll realize that it doesn’t make a difference. I write for myself. Not for you to read. Once these words leave my head, I’ve done what I need to do, I’ve organized my cluttered mess of a mind.

But back to the one word title, Masks. I feel like I can’t take them off. It feels like if I don’t try, the mask that I’m wearing will become me (like its gonna melt into me and just never come off). I don’t want that to be so, not unless I like the mask. It makes sense to me, the way people act like nothing is wrong or whatever they may be willing to be true, eventually you just believe it. I’m not there yet though, I still remember that this is an act, it does not feel natural yet. Will it ever? I’ve shed the mask of makeup lately. I’ve tried to be more honest. I’ve tried to keep on the mask that I’ve been asked to wear. I don’t know how well I’m doing anymore. I want to give up.

Getting to know someone is slowly peeling off the mask. Why would you ask them to put it back on?


I just had to check. December 2, 2010

Filed under: friends,random — teddygrams @ 11:34 pm
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And he is right. A friend texted me asking if I was okay. He had just been reading this stuff. I was surprised that he could tell from my writing that something was wrong and went on to tell him about some things. I came back to actually read what I have written in the past few weeks and man. This is not me. It sounds so awful. Everything.

This has to change.

Currently, I am not blogging because my parents are annoyed that I write so much and I am so far behind on school stuff. I’m playing catch up right now. It’s the end of semester rush. 7 more tests, finals, then freedom. For a couple weeks that is. I need to keep my GPA up for scholarships. I’m going to try to keep my senioristis at the level it is at currently. Maybe even push it a little more.

I must sleep now. I have to wake up in a few hours to study some more.


My apologies to you, blog. October 27, 2010

Filed under: life,school — teddygrams @ 10:50 pm
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I have once again meandered to another medium. Don’t get me wrong. I love hearing the clicking of the keys as my thoughts spill across the screen. But lately, I have been working on my cursive handwriting. I rather enjoy using that for my most random thoughts. The feeling of a pen glide smoothly across paper cannot be replaced (the look of it is also very beautiful and it makes my writing sort of look scholarly even though it’s not). The silly thing is that I always think to myself  “I must remember to blog about this tonight as well.” When I do try, as I do every night, I just end up with something very incoherent which lacks substance. Maybe it’s because I’ve already written it and the thoughts have left my head. I’m not much a fan of copying things to here either. I think of my blog and journal as two children that are in competition for my attention. It would not be fair to make one share it’s prize with the other.

I think the topics I have attempted to cover include consistency, what the characteristics of a grown up are, my silly teenage moments, the lack of meaning in the speech of politicians,  and the absurdities of religious traditions. My thoughts:

Consistency is what makes a person valuable –  doing something great once is fantastic, but doing something wonderful many times is what gives people definition.

Grownups have jobs or some self-created purpose, know what is important to them in life, and use their experience to guide them. Very loose definition, right?

As much as I would like to think that I’m ready to be out of high school, the truth is that I need to pick up a few more vital  skills. Not procrastinating perhaps.

Politicians are so ridiculous. Yes that was a blanket statement. There is no way that a person happens to have the exact same views as the party they run for. Why do so many of them pretend to? I hate parties.

Stars are wondrous, yes. I can not even begin to wrap my head around the concept of their formation and life. Does this mean I should make offerings to them to ask for a good husband? I think not. I do it anyways. Tradition is important to my family.

There. 5 days in 1. Tomorrow is going to be a death day. SAT scores come out from the one I took a few weeks ago. I have a  monster Economics test. And lastly I have a Paradise Lost test. I think I shall go to bed now and wake up at 3.