TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Being home. November 2, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 12:46 am
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I didn’t feel like I was at home until I was at his house and with him. I guess its because its the only thing still consistent about my life. All my other relationships are strained by distance except for that one.

Walking into my own bedroom feels strange. The walls are bare. No Air Force flag, no Colors, nothing. My bed itself is rather uncomfortable, I found myself waking up through the night constantly– it felt far too large to not have someone next to me. I think that’s one of the reasons I tend to move to my sister’s room at night. The floor always looks like it been freshly vacuumed but it has really been weeks. (My mother keeps the door shut while I’m not around.) It’s just very strange.

Looking into my closet makes me worry though. I have so many more things since I came to college, not just clothes but some of everything. I think its one of the only reasons I won’t like being at home when I do go back from longer breaks. Having all my stuff in one place. Bleh.

I love being able to leave my room and have a whole house full of different places to go. Here, if I don’t feel like going outside, my choices are other dorm rooms or the lounge. And even then, many of my friends live elsewhere so its hard to avoid the dreaded cold. There is no beautiful yard to admire while getting lost in thought on a swing. Just the clank of a train as it goes by is here to rattle my brain. I would trade being able to go walk into my friend’s room for being able to walk into my grandparent’s room instantly. I feel like I’m missing out on so many little family moments. (Interestingly enough, they are very rare, even when I am home so I’m not truly missing much.)

On a side note: My parents seem to be much more lenient than they once were, each time I go home I’m allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 if I have a good arguable reason. That sounds like nothing, but it would have been unheard of in the past. I suspect they allow me to get away with such things because they want me to be happy. They want me to keep coming back to this place and calling it home.

 

I no longer have to try not to get my hopes up. September 20, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 8:28 pm
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I thought this was something I definitely wanted, being in a sorority. This sorority in particular, but after dinner with them and realizing that a sorority is just a name for a group of close friends, I was no longer willing to do anything to get there. I would still love to be a part of it. I’ve wanted it since school started, but now I’m much more comfortable with the idea of not getting an invitation.

It might be because I’ve experienced it before, it might be because of the money that I know I’ll save. It might be because the girls weren’t trying to make me want them that night at dinner. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve grown up a little bit since I got here and because I have a group of friends that I’m already comfortable with.

Yeah, I will be a little upset if they don’t offer me a bid the second time around as well. But not nearly as i once would have been.

 

Graduation woes. May 24, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 1:00 am
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Were the only downside to today. I really am not that excited about graduation. My cousin, however, is. I agreed to a combined birthday party to minimize on the amount of annoyance to my extended family. We are having 2 graduations, 2 parties, and a birthday party all in the same week. My cousin did not want to combine her birthday party and graduation party. I therefore volunteered to combine my graduation party with her’s saving my family from at least one event. Little did I realize that this would be any trouble at all. It has led to some tension only due to the fact that my dear cousin invited my friends to this party without talking to me first and seems not to think it strange to invite my friends to a home that is an hour away. Yes, it is almost like my home, but no, it is not somewhere I feel comfortable inviting my friends. Thank you. I also would like to not be involved in planing activities for the friends of her’s that are are coming. I don’t know what they like and do not like. Sigh, I know she means well, my little sister. I shall just over look this and continue working on her senior letter. We have grown up together, surrounded by the same chaos. That has to count for something.

On a more positive note, I saw one of my best friends today. I remember why I miss him so much when he is gone. The rest of this week is already all planned out and my type A personality is very satisfied knowing what is going down.

I need to get back on good terms with my friends. Pushing people away is never a good idea, even if it seems to minimize hurt.

Tomorrow will consist of baking cookies, thanking teachers, enjoying sunshine, seeing pirates, and just relaxing. I also need to start looking at some random facts to brush up on my trivia skills for Thursday night.

Ramble time over.

 

Best Friend. February 16, 2011

Filed under: friends — teddygrams @ 10:06 pm
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How many people truly know the meaning out this? I know I do. Putting it to words could be rather difficult though. I don’t remember an exact day when I the words “best friend” first crossed my mind or even who they were in reference to.

Growing up, I felt like I had a strange curse. All of my “best friends” always left me with the exception of my best friend and cousin who has always been there in the background. There was Hailey, our neighbor that I grew up with. I was convinced that we would forever be together. She moved to the wretched land of Canada. All my other friends knew how close we were and consoled me. I soon met Catherine, a foster child who talked to me as I moped the exit of Hailey from my life. We became as close as we could be within a year’s time, but she too moved. Foster children always seems to be leaving. My next best friend was a girl that I still see everyday. We were close from the fourth grade to about sixth when our class schedules no longer matched up enough. This year, twelfth grade, is actually the first time that I’ve had a class with her since. I was left in middle school best-friend less. I finally found a new best friend in a boy in my math class. A boy that I lost quickly to his girlfriends to be (though, they are both close to me now, 4 years later.) It was around this point, in eight grade that I began to call my new neighbor my best friend. I had known her for about half a year. For almost all of the 5 years that I’ve known this girl, I’ve called her my best friend.

I have had exactly one person who I called best friend without hesitation, I could never see anything going wrong. Why? Because I saw nothing else but perfection in my best friend. When I say perfection, I don’t mean each action was perfectly good or that she did nothing wrong, far from that. I saw the perfect best friend according to my history. A best friend who would not leave me. A friend who I would maintain ties with my whole life, never lose to the corrosiveness of time. All I worried about was physical distance and not having enough time together. I forgot about the depth of out relationship, I forgot about the inevitable chaos that enters our lives.

I have such trouble saying these two words now, best friend. Why? Because my fatal flaw is my lack of the ability to forgive. Granted, I say I have forgiven. I have for the most part. I have forgiven my friend for her actions, for her choices. I have not forgiven her for teaching my a lesson about myself. I am not as independent as I like to think. I’m always looking for support.  I think my little best-friend chronology shows that. I need people. I especially need her.

My mother came in for a second to show me a new shirt that she had bought and I asked her to stay. I told her about the awful day that my friend had gone through today. I told her about the things that she had to deal with. Alone, without me. I feel terrible, I hoped all day long that she would make plans with me. Now that I think about it, why would she? All that she wanted was to forget it all. It is the job of a “best friend” to deem it necessary to make plans and execute them when a friend is feeling down. My mother gave me one look and told me to stop worrying about it and to try to study. My mother has obviously never experienced the companionship of a best friend.

I have an awful headache right now that is making reading my government book to prepare for my test tomorrow almost impossible.  I think sleep would be a better idea.

 

Masks. February 8, 2011

Filed under: thoughts — teddygrams @ 10:47 pm
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Sadie’s is a masquerade theme, how fitting for a high school dance, a place where no one is actually themselves, just wearing masks pretending to be who everyone wants them to be. Then again, how fitting for life, this “putting on a mask” business is inescapable. Anyways, I don’t think I will be going to Sadie’s . I do not want to ask anyone. I don’t even want to go with friends. I just want to work or something.

Sometimes, when I have titles like this, I never actually post what I write. Just because I think that my ramblings don’t do the one word title justice. I’m fairly certain that this will be the case in the next 20 minutes as I fall asleep. I will ramble and ramble and forget why I even thought of writing in the first place. I will look again at the beginning to see if I had a topic sentence of some sort hint of what I should be getting at and will see the title again. I will see the single word that means so much that I have done nothing to define. I’ll think about how I haven’t posted anything in so long and feel the urge to click publish, but then I’ll realize that it doesn’t make a difference. I write for myself. Not for you to read. Once these words leave my head, I’ve done what I need to do, I’ve organized my cluttered mess of a mind.

But back to the one word title, Masks. I feel like I can’t take them off. It feels like if I don’t try, the mask that I’m wearing will become me (like its gonna melt into me and just never come off). I don’t want that to be so, not unless I like the mask. It makes sense to me, the way people act like nothing is wrong or whatever they may be willing to be true, eventually you just believe it. I’m not there yet though, I still remember that this is an act, it does not feel natural yet. Will it ever? I’ve shed the mask of makeup lately. I’ve tried to be more honest. I’ve tried to keep on the mask that I’ve been asked to wear. I don’t know how well I’m doing anymore. I want to give up.

Getting to know someone is slowly peeling off the mask. Why would you ask them to put it back on?

 

It’s a trophy. ;) January 9, 2011

Filed under: life,Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 6:51 pm
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I’m working on a few happy blog posts. The ideas behind each of them die as I begin to write them, so they remain works in progress. When did I become such a scornful person? I don’t really hate good morning texts. I don’t really hate school. I don’t really hate people. I just hate feeling awful.

Winter break was surprisingly interesting, not nearly as mopey as I prepared for it to be. I quit planning everything and just let my friends do the work. I saw some of them quite a few times, others disappeared. It’s something that is going to take some getting used to. People walk in and out of your life all the time, especially during transitional times like these. Replacing them is never an option, learning to leave without them is all you can do.

The last couple weeks have been looking up though. I’ve met some new people, and tried some new things, all of them positive. Just happy times. I’m sure that the college kids went back with some good memories too. I know that one of them went back with a trophy of some sort. We’ll see what comes of it. Next year, I’ll be going with all of them instead of feeling left behind. Change is coming, and I’m not too scared anymore. Whatever happens, happens.

As of now, I’m content. Snow should be coming in soon. I’m thinking about some possible adventures during the spring. Skydiving is one thing that I really want to check off my bucket list this year. I’m looking forward to updating my horrid licence picture.

Summer plans are becoming more definite. College during the summer is a possibility, but unlikely due to the costs. It really depends on my brother, and my father’s plans. There are some ideas being thrown around that would prevent summer college plans all together.  Whatever happens, it will be nice.

Another note worthy thing is my tear count has been reset. 0 so far for 2011. I did fairly well last year until some rough times hit.

I really just want to hear some Cello music right now. I want to dance. I want to just enjoy what I have.

The snow should start soon, I’ve been writing this post for hours, just a couple sentences at a time.

 

I just had to check. December 2, 2010

Filed under: friends,random — teddygrams @ 11:34 pm
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And he is right. A friend texted me asking if I was okay. He had just been reading this stuff. I was surprised that he could tell from my writing that something was wrong and went on to tell him about some things. I came back to actually read what I have written in the past few weeks and man. This is not me. It sounds so awful. Everything.

This has to change.

Currently, I am not blogging because my parents are annoyed that I write so much and I am so far behind on school stuff. I’m playing catch up right now. It’s the end of semester rush. 7 more tests, finals, then freedom. For a couple weeks that is. I need to keep my GPA up for scholarships. I’m going to try to keep my senioristis at the level it is at currently. Maybe even push it a little more.

I must sleep now. I have to wake up in a few hours to study some more.