TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Hurt. July 14, 2011

I only ever blog when I’m feeling down.

I have a few things on my mind.

My sister, him, the person I call my best friend, the other person I call my best friend.

I guess I have people on my mind. And loneliness.

I want to go sleep in my grandparent’s room, but the kitchen is a dangerous place to walk through when I’m feeling like this.

I’ve come so far. I will not give in to this now.

Tomorrow will be good. It has to be.

 

Best Friend. February 16, 2011

Filed under: friends — teddygrams @ 10:06 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

How many people truly know the meaning out this? I know I do. Putting it to words could be rather difficult though. I don’t remember an exact day when I the words “best friend” first crossed my mind or even who they were in reference to.

Growing up, I felt like I had a strange curse. All of my “best friends” always left me with the exception of my best friend and cousin who has always been there in the background. There was Hailey, our neighbor that I grew up with. I was convinced that we would forever be together. She moved to the wretched land of Canada. All my other friends knew how close we were and consoled me. I soon met Catherine, a foster child who talked to me as I moped the exit of Hailey from my life. We became as close as we could be within a year’s time, but she too moved. Foster children always seems to be leaving. My next best friend was a girl that I still see everyday. We were close from the fourth grade to about sixth when our class schedules no longer matched up enough. This year, twelfth grade, is actually the first time that I’ve had a class with her since. I was left in middle school best-friend less. I finally found a new best friend in a boy in my math class. A boy that I lost quickly to his girlfriends to be (though, they are both close to me now, 4 years later.) It was around this point, in eight grade that I began to call my new neighbor my best friend. I had known her for about half a year. For almost all of the 5 years that I’ve known this girl, I’ve called her my best friend.

I have had exactly one person who I called best friend without hesitation, I could never see anything going wrong. Why? Because I saw nothing else but perfection in my best friend. When I say perfection, I don’t mean each action was perfectly good or that she did nothing wrong, far from that. I saw the perfect best friend according to my history. A best friend who would not leave me. A friend who I would maintain ties with my whole life, never lose to the corrosiveness of time. All I worried about was physical distance and not having enough time together. I forgot about the depth of out relationship, I forgot about the inevitable chaos that enters our lives.

I have such trouble saying these two words now, best friend. Why? Because my fatal flaw is my lack of the ability to forgive. Granted, I say I have forgiven. I have for the most part. I have forgiven my friend for her actions, for her choices. I have not forgiven her for teaching my a lesson about myself. I am not as independent as I like to think. I’m always looking for support.  I think my little best-friend chronology shows that. I need people. I especially need her.

My mother came in for a second to show me a new shirt that she had bought and I asked her to stay. I told her about the awful day that my friend had gone through today. I told her about the things that she had to deal with. Alone, without me. I feel terrible, I hoped all day long that she would make plans with me. Now that I think about it, why would she? All that she wanted was to forget it all. It is the job of a “best friend” to deem it necessary to make plans and execute them when a friend is feeling down. My mother gave me one look and told me to stop worrying about it and to try to study. My mother has obviously never experienced the companionship of a best friend.

I have an awful headache right now that is making reading my government book to prepare for my test tomorrow almost impossible.  I think sleep would be a better idea.

 

Protected: I’m waiting for the day. December 14, 2010

Filed under: friends — teddygrams @ 4:12 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

 

I wonder what will heal faster: December 9, 2010

Filed under: friends,work/internship — teddygrams @ 10:35 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

This burn on my arm or the hole in my heart?

Yes I realize this is a tad dramatic. It was just a thought that crossed my mind as I told my friend about how my burn is starting to open up. It’s interesting how the progression of the burn matches that of the situation that I’m in right now.

I shouldn’t have tried to help out by trying to make the oil hit the trash can instead. I should have just let things happen as they did.

Immediately after I got hurt, I did some damage control and went on working to the best of my ability.  I went through the motions mindlessly and put on my best fake smile. It gave me time to dwell on the idea of the burn, I thought about what my arm had looked like before, just in case it never looks the same again. I wanted to remember. After the working day was over and I finally got a chance to think about the pain, it hit me. I left the wound visible for a little while and shared my battle story with my friends and family. Soon, I decided that this was enough and I started covering it. As of now, I’m reaching the point where the skin is coming off, the rawness of the wound is showing. It still hurts, but only when I think about it, stretch the skin, or move too quickly. I guess I could just wait on it to heal on its own, but that it the best way to gain a scar. Burns heal slowly. While they heal, they make a person more susceptible to illness – it is broken skin after all.  I’ll do what I can to help it heal. The doctor says it will take months. Even with all the different creams and treatments, there maybe a scar on my arm forever.

 

I just had to check. December 2, 2010

Filed under: friends,random — teddygrams @ 11:34 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

And he is right. A friend texted me asking if I was okay. He had just been reading this stuff. I was surprised that he could tell from my writing that something was wrong and went on to tell him about some things. I came back to actually read what I have written in the past few weeks and man. This is not me. It sounds so awful. Everything.

This has to change.

Currently, I am not blogging because my parents are annoyed that I write so much and I am so far behind on school stuff. I’m playing catch up right now. It’s the end of semester rush. 7 more tests, finals, then freedom. For a couple weeks that is. I need to keep my GPA up for scholarships. I’m going to try to keep my senioristis at the level it is at currently. Maybe even push it a little more.

I must sleep now. I have to wake up in a few hours to study some more.

 

Christmas lights. November 28, 2010

Have this unmatched capability to make me angry with my family. Every year, I get mad at the sloppy work of who ever decided to put them up. This year, it was me. My sister came home and asked with a slight tone of surprise “Did you put the lights up? They look really bad.” See the way it works is that one person decides to get them out, untangle them, sort them, make up some kind of plan, and then puts it all together. That one person always ends up doing a terrible job so my sister and/or I go and correct them the next day. It has become an unspoken tradition.

I had been locked in my room for days, leaving only for work, family, or very special friends. My dad even commented on how he hasn’t seem me for the longest time. I think he was a little worried. I put a smile on and told him I was going to the library and the park to get some reading done. Bad mistake. The library closed at 5pm apparently. I thought it was at 6, the fact that it was Sunday did not occur to me. I saw a couple friends there I wish I hadn’t. I turned and went to my  favorite swing. There I read some of Frankenstein.  I did my best to focus. I was getting into the book when I noticed that my face was wet. The book no longer held my attention, instead I let myself fall back into thought. My thoughts shifted to the previous times I had been on that swing. There was the project to clean up the park; there was the time I  ran into some students in classes I had helped; there was the time I just wanted to get away from it all; there was a time I ran into a guy and his family; and the time when I was just people watching. I’m sure I’ve been to that place more than I can remember. It’s been a spot I’ve loved since my previous neighbor’s grand daughter had been my best friend. We used to swing on those swings together when Ms. Carmen took her walks. We used to have Candy (my neighbor’s dog) wait near the fence and swing backwards looking at her.

I decided it was time to leave that place within 20 minutes of arriving. During the walk back to the truck I thought about where I wanted to be. Not just where I wanted to drive to at that moment, but where I wanted to be in life. It’s a difficult thing to explain. I decided to go to the gazebo that my friend and I share as a place to think and talk, during the drive there I realized the amount of time I was allowing myself to be free to think about whatever I wanted was holding me down. I needed some sort of distraction to occupy my mind.Christmas lights were what I thought of first, so I decided to head home instead.

I guess school should have that  covered until winter break. I doubt it will though.

 

My hair is thinning out. November 25, 2010

Filed under: random — teddygrams @ 6:42 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m 17. This shouldn’t happen. Yeah, I know, eat healthy, don’t stress, do this and do that. The thing is that  even if I did everything perfect my hair would still not be like it was a month ago. It is over 2 feet long. There is no going back.  New hair would never catch up to what is left. All I can do is protect what I have.  Sadly, this is what had been occupying my mind for a decent portion of this hour.

Vanity. It can dictate so much of what goes on in the world.

It’s Thanksgiving. All my cousins are running around my house gleefully. I am sitting here sulking in my room on the corner of my bed that is normally occupied by my best friend. That term had started getting so definite. I obviously was referring to a single person. For the first time in my life I was not saying “one of my best friends” but just best friend. It was a title.

Titles. What do people gain from them? Some strange feeling of having a place? I was talking to my best friend (a different one) and he reminded me of all the problems that erupt from giving people titles. I hate labels. I always have. Why is it that I wanted one? It doesn’t automatically make you closer to anyone. Security I guess. Not knowing what is coming in the future really gets to me.

Writers Block is killing me. I have somethings I would like to write about, but I don’t want to read it later. It leaves me trying to fill in the gaps of this feeble stream of conscience.

I should do a post on what I’m thankful for. It’s Thanksgiving. Maybe later.