TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

The thought occurred to me today. August 29, 2011

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 12:20 am
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That I’m physiologically homeless. For the next few years, I’ll be at school, moving from dorm to home to apartment. Nowhere permanent. Sure, I’ll call my parent’s house “home.” This weekend, when I went back, it felt really strange, as if I was visiting, not returning home. Of course, I will always go back there for summers and sometimes on weekends. But thinking about it, I’ve just realized that after all this school, the chances of me moving back in are slim to none. If I do reach my goal of becoming a doctor, it will mean that I will have been at school for about 11 years. Do the math: 18+11=29. At almost 30, there is no way that I’ll be living with my parents again. I want to be married and have my own life by then. (Yeah, I said it, the M word, my mind was just wandering so far into the future.)

This rambley nonsense just comes back to one thing.

“You put your arms around me and I’m home.”

I’m falling in love with this song every time I listen to it. I just don’t want that to be me. I’m at home where ever there is a reason to smile.

That is all.

 

Hurt. July 14, 2011

I only ever blog when I’m feeling down.

I have a few things on my mind.

My sister, him, the person I call my best friend, the other person I call my best friend.

I guess I have people on my mind. And loneliness.

I want to go sleep in my grandparent’s room, but the kitchen is a dangerous place to walk through when I’m feeling like this.

I’ve come so far. I will not give in to this now.

Tomorrow will be good. It has to be.

 

My grandparents. March 17, 2011

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 11:34 pm

Hold our family together. They should come back from India. Yeah I don’t talk to them much lately. I say it’s because I don’t have time. Really, it’s because I’m worried about goodbyes. They’ll be easier if I’m already weaned off. Right?

I don’t know how peace is made without my grandmother. She is the peace keeper of my family.

Family fights suck. My parents are too physical. My sister just can’t handle it. And I just have over-active tear ducts when in rage.

My mother said the words “Why are you crying?” to me tonight, knowing perfectly well that I absolutely HATE it when my father does so. It’s like they have forgotten everything that we have just said.

9 tears total. 4 while writing. That brings the total for the year to 11. This is embarrassing.

I’ll probably get in trouble for writing about “family issues.” Sigh. I don’t care, I need to pass this Calculus test.

 

Think before you speak. January 12, 2011

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 8:47 pm
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A common piece of advise to people. I find myself repeating these words in my head constantly. Not even to myself, but in reference to what other people say. I know that I also should take this advise, but more often than not, I don’t have much concern with keeping my thoughts private. I’m fairly brutal when it comes to telling people the truth, but that exactly why what others say bothers me so much. I expect the same level of honesty from everyone. If you don’t like me, then don’t pretend like you do. Or if you do like me, don’t take away the power of truth by speaking those words without meaning them.

Thank you and have a nice evening.

 

Protected: December 17th. December 17, 2010

Filed under: family,friends,school,work/internship — teddygrams @ 9:32 pm

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Black Friday Nightmares. November 26, 2010

Not really. It was a fairly good day, but a great evening. My mother forgot to set a 3 am alarm for us so I awoke to a family rushing to get out of the door. I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, I just enjoyed listening to music with my sister and messing around with her. She found this oddly shaped piece of cocking that had come off of the building we were waiting in line next to. She proceeded to throw it at everyone: my mother and father, my grandfather, and me. We laughed and laughed and before we knew it the line was moving. It reminded me of being really little and unable to wait. We really didn’t care about going into the stores, we just enjoyed each other’s company.

When we got home I crawled back into bed. My sister soon joined me and snuggled up with a few of the many pillows that surround me as I sleep. She was quick to leave; she prefers the softness of her bed to mine. I slept for almost 6 more hours. In that time I had some of the most vivid dreams I have had in a long time.

It started on a Broadway stage. It was “The Little Mermaid.” I was Ariel. This does not surprise me. I have seen the Little Mermaid movies too many times to count. The first song that I ever learned to sing was “Part of Your World.” I still to this day sing it in the shower. Anyways, the setting of the dream shifted from the stage to an actual place. I felt like I was IN the movie. It was as if there were still people watching and I was still nervous about messing up. There was barely any time for worrying though, I was on a ship (presumably Price Eric’s) and the water around me was beginning to move in. It was like Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean. Ursula and Davy Jones’ monster were both there stirring the water up enough to take the ship under. Ursula sprayed ink everywhere and everything was black. When I opened my eyes (still in the dream) I was now in a strawberry field. I was wearing a white dress with daisies in my hair and dancing barefoot  – so cliche right. None of this dream was very original until now. All of my loved ones started to join me in my dance. Soon their loved ones appeared as well, and the loved one’s loved ones appeared. It was like the 6 degrees of seperation rule had brought everyone in existence (real or in memory)  to this field and we all had not a care in the world except having a good time together. The feeling that I felt at that moment in that dream is impossible to describe, it was beyond joy or happiness.  The collective cheer sparked something; it is that something that I think we are all after in our lives. I had a few moments to ponder this before the dream changed. All the people that must not have truly been living dropped to the ground. Terror spread. Despair crept its way through the crowd. Reality returned. I awoke to see that it was the afternoon. I joined my father and sister; we went back out shopping. I spent the rest of the day quiet, thinking about this dream.

This evening was nice. It was a nice little close to my Thanksgiving break. Tomorrow will come and I will resume my normal weekend schedule and the worry about exams will begin.

Today was my best friend’s grandfather’s 89th birthday. It makes me think of the future. All grandparents have stories to tell, the common theme is change. I’m content with the way my life is now. Change is coming. I guess I just have to accept that. When I was really little I would always wonder when something new would come. I would want to make new friends, live in new places, study different things. I’ve settled into habits now, sort of strange to think about. I like my established friends, I don’t want to move away from what I have, and I wish that I could narrow my studies to certain things. I’ve become much more close-minded. It needs to change. This ramblely passage is not what I intended it to be but so be it.

I think my sister’s presence in the room somehow has effected the way I’m writing. It is strange to have another person watch the words spill across the screen. I don’t mind it though. Today has been a good day with her. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

 

They can certainly show you the path. November 21, 2010

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 12:48 pm
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But you will have to take it yourself.

These words are some of Daddy’s wisdom today. I didn’t realize how long it had been since I saw my grandparents until this morning. Daddy told me that he went up to my room a couple times yesterday but I was not there. I was of course at my best friend’s house with another friend. I’m glad I spent time with them, we had some good conversation, but I miss talking to my grandparents. They have known me my whole life. I have known them for a small chunk of theirs. What does this mean though? Do they know me much better than I could ever know them?

This blog has noticeably become more about what is currently going on in my life. I really didn’t want it to turn this way, but it’s just so much more convenient to write here.

 

My Calculus book just got a haircut. November 16, 2010

It has been shedding sheets of plastic for so long, I decided to just cut them off with my knife. I don’t even know why I carry it around. It really is just a constant reminder of the work I should be doing.

I’ve been finding ways to avoid much thought today. Mindless essays are not going to help. I basically have my title page for my paper due in a few days. I also am running short on time to work on it. We’ll see how this ends up going, I’d rather not ruin a college visit by working on my paper while there.

I have started so many entries for this blog in the past couple days, I just haven’t gotten to completing the thoughts yet. These entries will probably never get published. Maybe I’ll do a quick summary of them like I did in the past. Right now I’m blogging because I have been avoiding it. The lack of numbers on the calendar being white is beginning to bother me so I figured I would change that.

I have actually felt quite some emotion lately due to letting my guard down. One of the things that I was doing this year was counting my tears and remembering why they were shed. The records were easily kept until about a month ago. I think I was at 9 before I lost count. I’m sure its around 30 now. I’ll try again next year I suppose. Thinking about this is rather silly; I was trying to make a point about avoiding my blog and got off subject. What do people normally do when they are outraged or feeling down? Well, what do bloggers do? We write. I wasn’t ready to try and project my feelings into some kind of coherent entry. Instead I found myself writing very lengthy IMs. It’s nice to have people to talk to.

School-wise, things are going fine. Just what I expected when I saw the numbers slipping lower weeks ago. I’m not failing; that will never happen. I guess I’ve just secured myself a place at an in-state school though.

I miss my family. I don’t know what has been causing me to stay couped up in my room lately. I’m at the lowest productivity level of my life. I don’t do anything interesting up here either. Today I had a conversation with my paternal grandmother, Mama, about the future. It all started with talking to her about abortion. I just wanted to know her views and learned quickly that they were very similar to what mine had been a year ago. The subject turned to adoption. She already knows of my future plans and hates them. Mama is convinced that I will feel the maternal urge at some point in my life. Today though she gave me her reasoning for not wanting to adopt. She feels that the children have unknown blood running through their veins, tainted by the misdoings of the children’s unknown parents. She also feels that the government should be the ones responsible for the upkeep of these children. Her thoughts are shockingly traditional sometimes, even to me. The last thing that we discussed was the topic of marriage. I made it clear that I will never have an arranged marriage. I was so ready to be shot down when I said this after hearing about her views on orphans, but no. Mama was quick to agree that this would be my choice. All I have to do is find someone my family would accept and have the traditional Indian marriage of course. This seems to be something that I could live with. We talked about the age that I should be before I start dating seriously.  Mama then went on to remind me to trust no one. Ever.

She is so right.

 

 

I just asked Google what I should blog about. October 20, 2010

Filed under: family,random — teddygrams @ 10:54 pm
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And most of the results were about how to make blogging something much more than it is. How to make money doing it, how to attract views, how to get laid by blogging, and how to use blogging to toast marshmallows. Well maybe not marshmallows, but you get my point. I guess everyone blogs for different reasons. Well whatever floats your boat. I’m in this just cause.

*Pizza Break*

Now that my sister has interrupted my train of thought with a delicious frozen pizza, all I can think about is this adorable sign she made me. She came up to me and presented it and to show her how much I approved, I allowed her to put it up in the place of honor, my door. Only the finest artwork is allowed to adorn my bedroom door. Thinking about this situation makes it hard to believe that we were the same girls at each other’s throats last night. Just goes to show, the ones that you love the most, you can hate the most too. I wouldn’t say it’s true the other way around.

Well I’m starting to sound silly. I promise that I started this post with some sort of thoughtful idea. It just didn’t come though. Oh well. I’m getting up early tomorrow to do Calculus. Woo.

 

I’ve been left at home. March 15, 2010

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 6:45 pm
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While my grandparents take a trip to India. I miss them already. During the school year, I don’t get as much time to just sit and talk to them, but the fact that I could on a second’s notice makes me feel much more comfortable. My grandparents are the two people in the world that I would do anything for.

Of course Daddy and I get into fights frequently, but I am a Daddy’s Girl at heart. (I call my grands Mama and Daddy.) We are both hot headed and love to make our opinions heard, many times simultaneously. =] I always learn something new when talking to him about our family, he remembers things from so long ago. He is the one who pushes me to be my best, because he expects nothing less. Every small achievement of mine is a huge deal to him, and he really does know how to make me feel special. I miss him already. Who am I going to tease now?

My grandmother is the most perfect person in the world I have ever met. I know, everyone says it, there is not such thing as perfect. But you haven’t met my grandmother. She has all the patience that Daddy and I lack. She keeps us both cool when we are on edge. She is the best cook in the world (I’m hungry right now). Every decision she makes is based on morals and not personal gain. Things are clear to her, she lives by the golden rule (Treat others how you would like to be treated.) I really hope one day I can shape up and become even half as wonderful as her.

I’m starting the 6 week count down till they come home. Hopefully it won’t feel as long as it seems to be.