TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Being home. November 2, 2011

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I didn’t feel like I was at home until I was at his house and with him. I guess its because its the only thing still consistent about my life. All my other relationships are strained by distance except for that one.

Walking into my own bedroom feels strange. The walls are bare. No Air Force flag, no Colors, nothing. My bed itself is rather uncomfortable, I found myself waking up through the night constantly– it felt far too large to not have someone next to me. I think that’s one of the reasons I tend to move to my sister’s room at night. The floor always looks like it been freshly vacuumed but it has really been weeks. (My mother keeps the door shut while I’m not around.) It’s just very strange.

Looking into my closet makes me worry though. I have so many more things since I came to college, not just clothes but some of everything. I think its one of the only reasons I won’t like being at home when I do go back from longer breaks. Having all my stuff in one place. Bleh.

I love being able to leave my room and have a whole house full of different places to go. Here, if I don’t feel like going outside, my choices are other dorm rooms or the lounge. And even then, many of my friends live elsewhere so its hard to avoid the dreaded cold. There is no beautiful yard to admire while getting lost in thought on a swing. Just the clank of a train as it goes by is here to rattle my brain. I would trade being able to go walk into my friend’s room for being able to walk into my grandparent’s room instantly. I feel like I’m missing out on so many little family moments. (Interestingly enough, they are very rare, even when I am home so I’m not truly missing much.)

On a side note: My parents seem to be much more lenient than they once were, each time I go home I’m allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 if I have a good arguable reason. That sounds like nothing, but it would have been unheard of in the past. I suspect they allow me to get away with such things because they want me to be happy. They want me to keep coming back to this place and calling it home.

 

I no longer have to try not to get my hopes up. September 20, 2011

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I thought this was something I definitely wanted, being in a sorority. This sorority in particular, but after dinner with them and realizing that a sorority is just a name for a group of close friends, I was no longer willing to do anything to get there. I would still love to be a part of it. I’ve wanted it since school started, but now I’m much more comfortable with the idea of not getting an invitation.

It might be because I’ve experienced it before, it might be because of the money that I know I’ll save. It might be because the girls weren’t trying to make me want them that night at dinner. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve grown up a little bit since I got here and because I have a group of friends that I’m already comfortable with.

Yeah, I will be a little upset if they don’t offer me a bid the second time around as well. But not nearly as i once would have been.

 

The thought occurred to me today. August 29, 2011

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 12:20 am
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That I’m physiologically homeless. For the next few years, I’ll be at school, moving from dorm to home to apartment. Nowhere permanent. Sure, I’ll call my parent’s house “home.” This weekend, when I went back, it felt really strange, as if I was visiting, not returning home. Of course, I will always go back there for summers and sometimes on weekends. But thinking about it, I’ve just realized that after all this school, the chances of me moving back in are slim to none. If I do reach my goal of becoming a doctor, it will mean that I will have been at school for about 11 years. Do the math: 18+11=29. At almost 30, there is no way that I’ll be living with my parents again. I want to be married and have my own life by then. (Yeah, I said it, the M word, my mind was just wandering so far into the future.)

This rambley nonsense just comes back to one thing.

“You put your arms around me and I’m home.”

I’m falling in love with this song every time I listen to it. I just don’t want that to be me. I’m at home where ever there is a reason to smile.

That is all.

 

Advisment Musings February 9, 2011

I really don’t have much time to get anything worthwhile down, it’s the problem that I face every time that I have the urge to write. My notebooks are full of little paragraphs here and there of my nonsensical thoughts. I’ve been wanting to do an ins and outs for January, but I think we are a little too far into February for it to be acceptable to do so.

It’s February. The month of love. I just bought a “Crush Can” for my friend from her boyfriend. I think its cute. Lately, people have been hating Valentine’s Day. I’m sure this happens every year, but I’ve noticed it more this year, maybe because I don’t really want to buy anything for anyone. Being alone on Valentine’s day has never bothered me, I always have the love fo my friends. But this year, I’m still just trying to get back into feeling the love. Love haters are just so sour. I don’t like that I fall under the “sour people” category as of now.

I really do wonder where my life is going. In calculus, I’m constantly thinking about how I will not be able to survive the next four years without absorbing this vital information. I think that because I want an engineering degree AND a medical doctor degree. People tell me that I’m insane. I think I am too. I’m fairly terrible at Calculus (really only because I lack fundamental skills, I can talk you through a problem, I just can’t do it myself). It would save a lot of pain just to be a Pre-med Biology Major. Mercer would save a lot of pain. I’m still indifferent though — I won’t mind not being accepted to this program. I may still actually go to this college anyways, they have actual closets in their dorm rooms.

I might want to go into research, I might want to just be an engineer, I might want to get an MD and do Doctors Without Borders. I might want to do a lot with my life. I hope I do.

I think it might be time to start writing senior letters so my procrastination won’t get the best of me next month. I really only am counting the days of school that are left until spring break, after that it is just review and AP exams. 50 days.

Last year around this time, I met one of the closest people who exists to me. He was worried about the friends that he may lose due to the distance that he would be going away to college. I am too, I’m worried that I have  invested too much time onto some people and not enough into others. Sure, I may be a little sad to lose friends that I will inevitably grow apart from, but I’ve enjoyed the time that I’ve spent with everyone. I’m worried about regretting things. I wish that I could live without them, but avoiding regret is what keeps the world rational.  I don’t want to be lonely any more. The chain should come off the door.

 

Check your totem. January 13, 2011

A reference from the Christopher Nolan movie Inception that suggests that a person should examine their totem (small personal object) in order to determine whether they are in reality or in delusional dreamland.

Intended to be used sarcastically.

D-Bag: “I swear every b**** in that club wanted my D.”

Smugster: Go Check your Totem.

I found this mildly hilarious. Thank you, Urban Dictionary for that source of enjoyment. I must re-watch Inception soon.

I had one of those nights that you just can’t even think about sleep last night. All I wanted to do was get up and go on a long run until my legs fell off. This could be called cabin fever to some extent. I never stepped outside at all yesterday, I decided to knock out some homework instead. I heard my alarm go off that tells me to wake up for school when the streets aren’t icy before I feel asleep. I woke up much earlier than usual too. So I’m sort of running on a nap.

Immediately after waking up I decided to supplement my existing work out routines with something from the Nike Training iPhone app. Loved it (enough though I lack enough balance to do a couple drills). I don’t think I’ve sweat that much in a long time. It felt good.

Then an apple. What what? It’s been too long that I haven’t eaten one of these delectable things. My taste buds sort of went into shock. Apples=love. Too bad my teeth have gotten too sensitive to cold to eat them too often.

Sxephil break.

I try to keep up with the world and what’s happening. I try not to be just another one of those oblivious teens that is just liven life and doesn’t care about what else is going on. I have the second part down, I care, I’m curious. Even with constantly checking the news and things, I realize that I’m still not completely up to date. Politics, weather, and criminals aren’t life. There are so many things that are always going on that we will never be aware of until they hit the mainstream media. Now that were things get a little hazy. The media shouldn’t rule the information of the world. But the laziness of people has let it do just that.

Snack break.

Today is Lohri, a Hindu/Indian festival. If you asked me now, I couldn’t tell you what it was about. This is a sad statement. I know. It’s even more sad because it is more specific to northern India and the state where my family once lived. I’m thinking that there is a ceremony that involves a bonfire and celebrating winter and lots of food. I shall ask my grandparents in a few minutes. I don’t want to go to the family gathering tonight without some sort of background.

I hear “Fly like a G6” playing somewhere. Unmistakable bass.

The Super Bowl will be coming soon. I really should start settling down on a team. Knowing me, it will be game specific. It almost always is. I wish I LOVED a team, but I don’t. I was fairly impartial during the Auburn-Oregon game this year. I just like Cam Newton and like it when whatever team my cousin is supporting loses. Out of the colleges that I could go to, only one of them has a well recognized team. That college is also my fall-back, go figure. I guess I may just have to get used to losing.

I think its time for some core work, I don’t know what’s gotten into me today. I just want to be tired when I go to sleep tonight.

 

It’s a trophy. ;) January 9, 2011

Filed under: life,Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 6:51 pm
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I’m working on a few happy blog posts. The ideas behind each of them die as I begin to write them, so they remain works in progress. When did I become such a scornful person? I don’t really hate good morning texts. I don’t really hate school. I don’t really hate people. I just hate feeling awful.

Winter break was surprisingly interesting, not nearly as mopey as I prepared for it to be. I quit planning everything and just let my friends do the work. I saw some of them quite a few times, others disappeared. It’s something that is going to take some getting used to. People walk in and out of your life all the time, especially during transitional times like these. Replacing them is never an option, learning to leave without them is all you can do.

The last couple weeks have been looking up though. I’ve met some new people, and tried some new things, all of them positive. Just happy times. I’m sure that the college kids went back with some good memories too. I know that one of them went back with a trophy of some sort. We’ll see what comes of it. Next year, I’ll be going with all of them instead of feeling left behind. Change is coming, and I’m not too scared anymore. Whatever happens, happens.

As of now, I’m content. Snow should be coming in soon. I’m thinking about some possible adventures during the spring. Skydiving is one thing that I really want to check off my bucket list this year. I’m looking forward to updating my horrid licence picture.

Summer plans are becoming more definite. College during the summer is a possibility, but unlikely due to the costs. It really depends on my brother, and my father’s plans. There are some ideas being thrown around that would prevent summer college plans all together.  Whatever happens, it will be nice.

Another note worthy thing is my tear count has been reset. 0 so far for 2011. I did fairly well last year until some rough times hit.

I really just want to hear some Cello music right now. I want to dance. I want to just enjoy what I have.

The snow should start soon, I’ve been writing this post for hours, just a couple sentences at a time.

 

They can certainly show you the path. November 21, 2010

Filed under: family — teddygrams @ 12:48 pm
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But you will have to take it yourself.

These words are some of Daddy’s wisdom today. I didn’t realize how long it had been since I saw my grandparents until this morning. Daddy told me that he went up to my room a couple times yesterday but I was not there. I was of course at my best friend’s house with another friend. I’m glad I spent time with them, we had some good conversation, but I miss talking to my grandparents. They have known me my whole life. I have known them for a small chunk of theirs. What does this mean though? Do they know me much better than I could ever know them?

This blog has noticeably become more about what is currently going on in my life. I really didn’t want it to turn this way, but it’s just so much more convenient to write here.