TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

I’m just tired. May 20, 2011

Filed under: life — teddygrams @ 10:40 pm
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Even though I’ve already caught up on my sleep. I think I might be getting sick in the near future. You know that feeling of dread that overcomes everything else?

There is a large gap between now and the last time that I blogged. I’ve been lazy. Very very lazy. Sometimes when I’m in the mood to write, I’ll scratch something out in a random school notebook. One of my missions this summer is to recover these lost journal entries…like it’ll happen.

Today  was my first day of summer. No more school for me. All I have to do is show up for graduation. I like to think about it as an event in my summer.

After graduation, my  plans are up in the air. There will be a lot of hanging around, playing outside, chilling online, and stressing about college. I need to start studying for the placement tests in math and foreign language. I doubt I can actually exempt out of Latin, but I think I might try. Calculus still is a stranger to me, but I plan to introduce myself this summer. My AP Calculus BC review book should help with this process.

I had sugar cane syrup on waffles, a brownie, a few chips, corn, ice-cream, and some crackers today. Just in case you were wondering. I need to get back into shape. I only have like 0 days until the pool opens for the summer. x_X Ugh.

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It’s a trophy. ;) January 9, 2011

Filed under: life,Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 6:51 pm
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I’m working on a few happy blog posts. The ideas behind each of them die as I begin to write them, so they remain works in progress. When did I become such a scornful person? I don’t really hate good morning texts. I don’t really hate school. I don’t really hate people. I just hate feeling awful.

Winter break was surprisingly interesting, not nearly as mopey as I prepared for it to be. I quit planning everything and just let my friends do the work. I saw some of them quite a few times, others disappeared. It’s something that is going to take some getting used to. People walk in and out of your life all the time, especially during transitional times like these. Replacing them is never an option, learning to leave without them is all you can do.

The last couple weeks have been looking up though. I’ve met some new people, and tried some new things, all of them positive. Just happy times. I’m sure that the college kids went back with some good memories too. I know that one of them went back with a trophy of some sort. We’ll see what comes of it. Next year, I’ll be going with all of them instead of feeling left behind. Change is coming, and I’m not too scared anymore. Whatever happens, happens.

As of now, I’m content. Snow should be coming in soon. I’m thinking about some possible adventures during the spring. Skydiving is one thing that I really want to check off my bucket list this year. I’m looking forward to updating my horrid licence picture.

Summer plans are becoming more definite. College during the summer is a possibility, but unlikely due to the costs. It really depends on my brother, and my father’s plans. There are some ideas being thrown around that would prevent summer college plans all together.  Whatever happens, it will be nice.

Another note worthy thing is my tear count has been reset. 0 so far for 2011. I did fairly well last year until some rough times hit.

I really just want to hear some Cello music right now. I want to dance. I want to just enjoy what I have.

The snow should start soon, I’ve been writing this post for hours, just a couple sentences at a time.

 

“Just the thought of you can make me smile.” November 17, 2010

Filed under: friends,issues,life — teddygrams @ 5:24 pm
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This song has been stuck in my head all day long. Just a few more days until I can see one of the most important people in my life. Smiling is what defines our relationship; even during our tough times there have been tearful smiles. I really wonder why though that a few weeks ago I began to miss him so much. I was fine before that knowing that I would see him when I see him. I’m sure it relates to the backwards steps that I feel I have taken since this summer when I started to think about things differently, when I started to grow up. Instead of becoming more mature, I have spiraled downward to where I am now. It sort of makes me nervous to think that I won’t be able to get back up to my wonderfully productive days; I miss the days that consisted of school, work, internship, homework, sleep. Well really I miss the ability to excel during those days. Busyness used to define me, now I’m just burned out.

This morning I woke to the shrill sound of my phone alarm. I was annoyed that my phone was buried under the mountain of blankets and pillows that I sleep with. After locating it and taking one look at my phone I saw that today was going to be just as awful as yesterday. I hurried to call my friend and get her to my house so I could drive her to school. We needed to talk.

It turned out to be not so bad though. I was just scared of everyone being mad at me for being so weak.

Talking about things used to be so easy. These days I find myself just wanting to curl up with a blanket and paper to get things out. I can feel myself slipping away. I remember the dreadful days of sophomore year. That is a time in my life that I don’t want to think about let alone repeat.

The vagueness of my future is really getting to me. Ambition really used to drive me. What happen? I’m just looking for definition in my life I guess. In every way possible.

 

My Calculus book just got a haircut. November 16, 2010

It has been shedding sheets of plastic for so long, I decided to just cut them off with my knife. I don’t even know why I carry it around. It really is just a constant reminder of the work I should be doing.

I’ve been finding ways to avoid much thought today. Mindless essays are not going to help. I basically have my title page for my paper due in a few days. I also am running short on time to work on it. We’ll see how this ends up going, I’d rather not ruin a college visit by working on my paper while there.

I have started so many entries for this blog in the past couple days, I just haven’t gotten to completing the thoughts yet. These entries will probably never get published. Maybe I’ll do a quick summary of them like I did in the past. Right now I’m blogging because I have been avoiding it. The lack of numbers on the calendar being white is beginning to bother me so I figured I would change that.

I have actually felt quite some emotion lately due to letting my guard down. One of the things that I was doing this year was counting my tears and remembering why they were shed. The records were easily kept until about a month ago. I think I was at 9 before I lost count. I’m sure its around 30 now. I’ll try again next year I suppose. Thinking about this is rather silly; I was trying to make a point about avoiding my blog and got off subject. What do people normally do when they are outraged or feeling down? Well, what do bloggers do? We write. I wasn’t ready to try and project my feelings into some kind of coherent entry. Instead I found myself writing very lengthy IMs. It’s nice to have people to talk to.

School-wise, things are going fine. Just what I expected when I saw the numbers slipping lower weeks ago. I’m not failing; that will never happen. I guess I’ve just secured myself a place at an in-state school though.

I miss my family. I don’t know what has been causing me to stay couped up in my room lately. I’m at the lowest productivity level of my life. I don’t do anything interesting up here either. Today I had a conversation with my paternal grandmother, Mama, about the future. It all started with talking to her about abortion. I just wanted to know her views and learned quickly that they were very similar to what mine had been a year ago. The subject turned to adoption. She already knows of my future plans and hates them. Mama is convinced that I will feel the maternal urge at some point in my life. Today though she gave me her reasoning for not wanting to adopt. She feels that the children have unknown blood running through their veins, tainted by the misdoings of the children’s unknown parents. She also feels that the government should be the ones responsible for the upkeep of these children. Her thoughts are shockingly traditional sometimes, even to me. The last thing that we discussed was the topic of marriage. I made it clear that I will never have an arranged marriage. I was so ready to be shot down when I said this after hearing about her views on orphans, but no. Mama was quick to agree that this would be my choice. All I have to do is find someone my family would accept and have the traditional Indian marriage of course. This seems to be something that I could live with. We talked about the age that I should be before I start dating seriously.  Mama then went on to remind me to trust no one. Ever.

She is so right.

 

 

This is going to sound silly. October 31, 2010

Filed under: issues,life,school — teddygrams @ 9:07 pm
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Sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to listen to myself think. My own thoughts stress me out so much that I just become nonfunctional. For the last couple days I have had a few things pressing my mind.

Going vegan for a week was a spontaneous idea. No, I was not watching PETA videos or looking up the milk production process. I just walked into my room and saw Sophie, my lovely teddy bear, on the floor. This made me think of how careless I was with how I treated her, which in turn led my thoughts to the treatment of animals. I have been a vegetarian my basically my whole life. I have never even tasted most types of meat. Does it mean that I should have no guilt when it came to all the stuff PETA whines about? No. Even being a vegetarian, my life is still not cruelty free. This thought does not cross my mind often enough. I know that I will not be able to be vegan for my whole life; I don’t have that much will-power. A friend asked earlier today why I was doing this. My answer was somewhere along the lines of: Even though I will not be a life-long vegan, I will, however, gain awareness for my whole life.

Another completely different thing that has been on my mind: College. Oh how I am ready for the day to come when I am officially a college student. However since colleges cater to those who like to change their minds last minute like myself, I have now idea where this day will be. I wish I had been one of those kids who has wanted to go to the same college since they were 10. But I’m not. Instead I’m like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to choose. The only difference is the amount of gravity this choice will have on my life. My fall back is one of the public colleges in-state. The problem is that I don’t know where my target school is. My reach schools are definitely some of the BS/MD programs I have applied to. I recently took the SAT and ACT. So far I have gotten my SAT scores and they are right at where they need to be: above average and in the top percentiles. Although, I was really hoping that I would wow myself and exceed my achievable goal. What gets me is that scores that ivy league schools look for are achieved by less than 5% of the kids in the country. The top 5%, the academic elite.    I have decided that unlike originally planned, I will be applying to no ivy league schools. They require SAT subject tests anyways, of which I have taken none.

Speaking of tests, I have quite a few piling up. I have been in and out of school due to headaches and field trips. I have 4 difficult tests in the next few days. None of which is a no-brainer type of test. Each one will require a large chuck of study time. The grades are very important on these tests because I am on the edge in a couple subjects. I would like A’s please, not the B’s that I’m going to get if I don’t study hard. I talked to my father today about this. He recommended dropping my math class one level down. It would still be an AP class, but slower and more accommodating to my busy schedule. For one of the first times in my life I actually do want to drop to a class that is not the highest level. Too bad it’s too late. My class is 2 chapters ahead of the class that I would have to drop to. We have already finished all the requirements of the class one step down. I don’t think my Calculus teacher would mind at all if I wasn’t in his class; I don’t think he enjoys my presence much anyways. I saw him at a play that I promised my sister I would take her to at my school.

 

My apologies to you, blog. October 27, 2010

Filed under: life,school — teddygrams @ 10:50 pm
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I have once again meandered to another medium. Don’t get me wrong. I love hearing the clicking of the keys as my thoughts spill across the screen. But lately, I have been working on my cursive handwriting. I rather enjoy using that for my most random thoughts. The feeling of a pen glide smoothly across paper cannot be replaced (the look of it is also very beautiful and it makes my writing sort of look scholarly even though it’s not). The silly thing is that I always think to myself  “I must remember to blog about this tonight as well.” When I do try, as I do every night, I just end up with something very incoherent which lacks substance. Maybe it’s because I’ve already written it and the thoughts have left my head. I’m not much a fan of copying things to here either. I think of my blog and journal as two children that are in competition for my attention. It would not be fair to make one share it’s prize with the other.

I think the topics I have attempted to cover include consistency, what the characteristics of a grown up are, my silly teenage moments, the lack of meaning in the speech of politicians,  and the absurdities of religious traditions. My thoughts:

Consistency is what makes a person valuable –  doing something great once is fantastic, but doing something wonderful many times is what gives people definition.

Grownups have jobs or some self-created purpose, know what is important to them in life, and use their experience to guide them. Very loose definition, right?

As much as I would like to think that I’m ready to be out of high school, the truth is that I need to pick up a few more vital  skills. Not procrastinating perhaps.

Politicians are so ridiculous. Yes that was a blanket statement. There is no way that a person happens to have the exact same views as the party they run for. Why do so many of them pretend to? I hate parties.

Stars are wondrous, yes. I can not even begin to wrap my head around the concept of their formation and life. Does this mean I should make offerings to them to ask for a good husband? I think not. I do it anyways. Tradition is important to my family.

There. 5 days in 1. Tomorrow is going to be a death day. SAT scores come out from the one I took a few weeks ago. I have a  monster Economics test. And lastly I have a Paradise Lost test. I think I shall go to bed now and wake up at 3.

 

Bad Habits, Bad Economy, and a Bad Hairday. September 28, 2009

Filed under: life — teddygrams @ 10:38 pm
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The only things that I do for fun on a regular basis is watch TV and sleep. Everything else is work or school or more work.

Tell me, what is the point of working if you have no time to do something with the money? Oh that’s right, with the way the tuitions are rising for college the existence of a teenage disposable income is past. So there is no need for me to worry about that money sitting in my bank account and getting stale. It will all be drained in due time. Where is that college tuition help Obama promised? Has he gotten around to that or did Cash for Clunkers eat up all that money? The problems our economy is facing are nothing to complain about compared to the problems of the governments debt. We are just going to have to give up California to China or something with the rate we are borrowing money.

I really shouldn’t worry about that just yet. I want to spend the last couple years before I am legally allowed to vote or in other words before I am forced to take sides. I need a haircut. Not just a trim since I’m growing it out, but a “Hey that’s a big change!” haircut. But I’m way to nervous to do it. Everyone with long hair who cuts it always complain about how they miss their hair. Well instead of longing for it to grow back I am going to continue to grow it out. Untill, (fill in the blank with some random excuse).

Bad Habit of the day has to me boys. I have made some friends this year, gotten closer to old friends. But I don’t want to have to make the decision between old and new friends. So instead of sitting down and thinking about it, I’m doing what I do best and avoiding it. I still stand by my original feelings that relationships are stupid in high school.