TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

Protected: Milestones November 4, 2011

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Being home. November 2, 2011

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I didn’t feel like I was at home until I was at his house and with him. I guess its because its the only thing still consistent about my life. All my other relationships are strained by distance except for that one.

Walking into my own bedroom feels strange. The walls are bare. No Air Force flag, no Colors, nothing. My bed itself is rather uncomfortable, I found myself waking up through the night constantly– it felt far too large to not have someone next to me. I think that’s one of the reasons I tend to move to my sister’s room at night. The floor always looks like it been freshly vacuumed but it has really been weeks. (My mother keeps the door shut while I’m not around.) It’s just very strange.

Looking into my closet makes me worry though. I have so many more things since I came to college, not just clothes but some of everything. I think its one of the only reasons I won’t like being at home when I do go back from longer breaks. Having all my stuff in one place. Bleh.

I love being able to leave my room and have a whole house full of different places to go. Here, if I don’t feel like going outside, my choices are other dorm rooms or the lounge. And even then, many of my friends live elsewhere so its hard to avoid the dreaded cold. There is no beautiful yard to admire while getting lost in thought on a swing. Just the clank of a train as it goes by is here to rattle my brain. I would trade being able to go walk into my friend’s room for being able to walk into my grandparent’s room instantly. I feel like I’m missing out on so many little family moments. (Interestingly enough, they are very rare, even when I am home so I’m not truly missing much.)

On a side note: My parents seem to be much more lenient than they once were, each time I go home I’m allowed to stay out until 12 or 1 if I have a good arguable reason. That sounds like nothing, but it would have been unheard of in the past. I suspect they allow me to get away with such things because they want me to be happy. They want me to keep coming back to this place and calling it home.

 

One of the first entries I ever wrote on WordPress. October 13, 2011

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Was written the morning that I picked up my parking pass for high school. I had just gotten my car and I loved her. I ranted and ranted on a new blog about the bitch who hurt my poor little Annabell. She was still a baby, an infant even.

This time. I was that bitch. I was the bitch who destroyed her. Sure, there were other factors, but I was still the one who couldn’t save her. She was still a baby, even a couple of years later.

RIP Annabell.  October 2007 – October 2011

You are missed, every minute of every hour by me. I’m so sorry that I stopped caring about you. You were still a baby. You were my way out of that dreadful place, the safe hiding place for me and my things. I remember the little crystal teddy bear on your first key chain, my dad’s keys even. I remember the night that you were christened. I made life decisions while behind your wheel. I talked to the rumble of your engine when it was just the two of us on long trips.

Thank you for saving my life.

 

The thought occurred to me today. August 29, 2011

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That I’m physiologically homeless. For the next few years, I’ll be at school, moving from dorm to home to apartment. Nowhere permanent. Sure, I’ll call my parent’s house “home.” This weekend, when I went back, it felt really strange, as if I was visiting, not returning home. Of course, I will always go back there for summers and sometimes on weekends. But thinking about it, I’ve just realized that after all this school, the chances of me moving back in are slim to none. If I do reach my goal of becoming a doctor, it will mean that I will have been at school for about 11 years. Do the math: 18+11=29. At almost 30, there is no way that I’ll be living with my parents again. I want to be married and have my own life by then. (Yeah, I said it, the M word, my mind was just wandering so far into the future.)

This rambley nonsense just comes back to one thing.

“You put your arms around me and I’m home.”

I’m falling in love with this song every time I listen to it. I just don’t want that to be me. I’m at home where ever there is a reason to smile.

That is all.

 

Hurt. July 14, 2011

I only ever blog when I’m feeling down.

I have a few things on my mind.

My sister, him, the person I call my best friend, the other person I call my best friend.

I guess I have people on my mind. And loneliness.

I want to go sleep in my grandparent’s room, but the kitchen is a dangerous place to walk through when I’m feeling like this.

I’ve come so far. I will not give in to this now.

Tomorrow will be good. It has to be.

 

Graduation woes. May 24, 2011

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Were the only downside to today. I really am not that excited about graduation. My cousin, however, is. I agreed to a combined birthday party to minimize on the amount of annoyance to my extended family. We are having 2 graduations, 2 parties, and a birthday party all in the same week. My cousin did not want to combine her birthday party and graduation party. I therefore volunteered to combine my graduation party with her’s saving my family from at least one event. Little did I realize that this would be any trouble at all. It has led to some tension only due to the fact that my dear cousin invited my friends to this party without talking to me first and seems not to think it strange to invite my friends to a home that is an hour away. Yes, it is almost like my home, but no, it is not somewhere I feel comfortable inviting my friends. Thank you. I also would like to not be involved in planing activities for the friends of her’s that are are coming. I don’t know what they like and do not like. Sigh, I know she means well, my little sister. I shall just over look this and continue working on her senior letter. We have grown up together, surrounded by the same chaos. That has to count for something.

On a more positive note, I saw one of my best friends today. I remember why I miss him so much when he is gone. The rest of this week is already all planned out and my type A personality is very satisfied knowing what is going down.

I need to get back on good terms with my friends. Pushing people away is never a good idea, even if it seems to minimize hurt.

Tomorrow will consist of baking cookies, thanking teachers, enjoying sunshine, seeing pirates, and just relaxing. I also need to start looking at some random facts to brush up on my trivia skills for Thursday night.

Ramble time over.

 

Protected: Baby… May 23, 2011

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