I never thought. July 6, 2012

That I would be this okay with the thought of dying.

Lots of things to think about and many plans to be made.

I’m hopeless.

Adjustment Disorder June 3, 2012

is what the doctors have said I have. They are so wrong. But I guess they can only figure out so much if I tell them only so much. 

Maybe when I go back in a couple weeks I’ll be more open and honest with them. My meds aren’t doing anything for me. 

I’ve never felt so weak in my whole life. I’m just looking for one thing, hope. 

It’s time to begin. March 10, 2012

I have always worried about the day that I would no longer have my grandparents. The day I will have to live with just memories of them. This worries me so much because of how much of a disappointment I am. The way my grandparents see me now is fake.

It is the idealized version of me that they have created in their minds, the idealized version I have been struggling to become.

There is a problem though. Love. I can never be perfect in their eyes. I want to be so badly. I want them to see this new definition of perfect.

I’m afraid I will never help them understand what it means to me, this love.

I’m afraid of living with the guilt of never trying to explain it to them.

I’m so afraid.

It’s time to begin the process.

Roommates. February 26, 2012

This weekend, I had a couple girls back out of being suite mates with my roommate and me next year. Why?

The reason that they gave my roommate (who is good friends with them) was that they did not want to be around me. I was a bad influence. Because they are in young life they can’t do it.

In reality, they both like to go out as often as I do (which is not much, maybe once a month at the most.) They really just want my current roommate and another one of their friends to be roommates and live with them.

Why can’t they just tell me that? Instead of making it seem like I’m a terrible person and they don’t want to associate with me.

My feelings are so hurt.

I’ve been really antsy lately. January 25, 2012

I get very annoyed with the day if it goes by to slowly. The only way to insure that it flies by is to keep myself busy and that is what I’m doing. My first day at my new job is on Friday, right after 4 hours of classes. It’ll be the first weekend when I have real homework to do. 

I just realized that my parents are aware of this blog and had to censor everything I just typed. Oh, to be able to have an open relationship with them.

I think I’ll be going to UGA for the super bowl to watch on a 15′ screen. I’m rather excited.

New, new blog time? Maybe one that no one will discover. I really hate having my privacy invaded. I must change all of my passwords now.  

I wish I could explain the pain. January 3, 2012

That comes with knowing that you will be a disappointment. Not just to your family, but to all of your loved ones. I can’t satisfy everyone. I don’t even know how to satisfy myself.

I’m so thankful my grandparents are still with me. Just that thought keeps me a little bit more sane.

Sometimes I’m terrible and I think about January 1, 2012

how different life would be if I had money. 

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy the way out of some situations. Sometimes just that change is all that’s needed.  

The longer I’m in this house.

The more I can see myself be willing to leave it. I love everyone here very much. But there is something very different about being expected to love someone and just loving someone because of who they are. There is something about just wanting to be around someone all the time rather than being forced into it. I enjoy the times that I have here, I do. I just wish there wasn’t as much of this pressure for me to always be here. 

My Christmas list. December 21, 2011

• Sister- lots of Nike clothing, tweezers, socks
• Mom- expensive purse, maybe a shirt
• Dad- some books about spirituality, slacks
• Grandma- sunglasses, framed picture of me and my sister, letter
• Grandfather- socks, framed picture of me and my sister, letter
• Him- boxers, calendar, cookies, DVD, love
• His mom- bed in a bag, cat book, candle
• His dad- white chocolate, guitar picks

Motivation.

I shouldn’t really require motivation to get out of bed. This is rather pathetic. It’s time to think about making doctor’s appointments soon.