The more I can see myself be willing to leave it. I love everyone here very much. But there is something very different about being expected to love someone and just loving someone because of who they are. There is something about just wanting to be around someone all the time rather than being forced into it. I enjoy the times that I have here, I do. I just wish there wasn’t as much of this pressure for me to always be here.
My Christmas list. December 21, 2011
- Sister- lots of Nike clothing, tweezers, socks
- Mom- expensive purse, maybe a shirt
- Dad- some books about spirituality, slacks
- Grandma- sunglasses, framed picture of me and my sister, letter
- Grandfather- socks, framed picture of me and my sister, letter
- Him- boxers, calendar, cookies, DVD, love
- His mom- bed in a bag, cat book, candle
- His dad- white chocolate, guitar picks
I shouldn’t really require motivation to get out of bed. This is rather pathetic. It’s time to think about making doctor’s appointments soon.
Sometimes I’m jealous of other people’s relationships. December 13, 2011
Friends and boyfriends.
But I’m so much more realistic about things. People are not always good. Some of them are downright shitty. There is an art to meeting people and deciding if their shit if worth putting up with. It takes skill not to let yourself fall into a daze where everything is artificially perfect. It normally just takes one bad thing to snap me out of that daze. (But I always slip back into it.) I had so many arguments with one of my friends during high school. I always argued for the good in people. He always argued the realistic side. Oh, how things have changed.
Around this time last year, I lost trust in the one person that I loved and held above anything else. I snapped out of that “everyone is essentially good” mindset. I expected to go back to it as I always have,but I haven’t. My guard has forever remained up and everything is affected. It’s okay though, I know that I’m safe. I will always have myself to count on. I will not let myself depend on anyone.
I guess it’s sort of sad to think about things this way, but it has definitely made me stronger. Yeah, I’m jealous of all the lovely new friendships between all the freshman and all the cute relationships cropping up. But I know what I have is what it is. I don’t try to find a false sense of security in my relationships anymore. I accept things for how they are. Maybe one day I will find someone to be my best friend. Until then, I’m here. For myself.
Choices. November 19, 2011
I always make the choices which I feel will make me happiest. The only problem is that I can’t see into the future and see what will make me happiest.
Liars do not make me happy. So much regret. I want to take it all back. I wish I could.