The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

I woke up with a bag of cookies next to me. November 28, 2010

Filed under: dreams — teddygrams @ 2:36 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The last thing before I went to sleep was not brush my teeth or wash my face, it was stuff a cookie into my mouth. I woke up and continued. After the second cookie I thought about it. My emotional eating has to stop.

I’ve been having strange dreams lately. Last nights dream was some odd version of reality. I had a baby, and named her Hope. The thought of that dumb TV show never crossed my mind, I realized they were the same name once I woke up. Anyways this child’s father did not exist. Within the dream I tried to figure out who it could be but failed, all of my friends just came to mind. My FRIENDS. What? I’m talking about all of the girls and guys close to me. I just decided that this baby didn’t have a father. I didn’t actually dream about being pregnant or giving birth, she just appeared while I was in the middle of a dream about a family vacation.  Hope was a little girl with blonde curly hair (so cliche – angelic golden curls). She remained an infant for most of my dream. She was a little secret within our family. My grandparents took care of her while I was out of the house doing my day to day things. When I came home, everything changed. I took care of her and did my homework, and when it was time to sleep I tried for a few nights to have her sleep in this yellow crib next to me, but she preferred to sleep on my bed. I gave up pillows for her that I love pilled on my bed. The focus of the dream then shifted to war, it was coming and I was worried. After a day of watching grim news I came home to find Hope had become a miniature adult, she had skipped every stage of growth and was now just a tiny person. I had suspected it was a dream that I was in to begin with but now I was sure.  She could walk and played hide and seek with her to test her skills with staying hidden. I continued to wrap her in a blanket and carry her, she did not object. When we got to my room she asked why I was so looked so worried. I thought about how innocent she was, she knew no history. She knew nothing about the dangers of the world. But I told her, I told her of war; I don’t know why but I focused on WWII in particular, it just seemed to be a prime example of all the hate in the world. I explained situations in Korea. She didn’t worry, she just comforted me. It was when Hope did this that I realized my whole life had become about her. I spoke to no one extraneously. I focused solely on her.

I didn’t like this and I woke up to see that it was well into the afternoon. I have been sleeping my life away. Dreams are becoming my new friends.


I’m Sprinting. October 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 6:57 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

To somewhere. Just not sure yet. Each day is just consumed by things I NEED to do. Some of the time those needs line up with my wants so it’s nice. Today is hectic and everything is going to roll right into tomorrow. I missed Monday so I spent the day getting caught up and arranging make-up work. As soon as the time came to leave school  I hurried to find my friends and we went to an internship meeting. My internship teachers have to give us the same presentation every year so it was a little bit of a drag. When I got home I saw some messages from work asking where I had been. I realized the person who I thought was going to work, did not. Dang. So well, I may not be in the best standing right now. It’s okay though. I have other things to worry about.

Internship is a silly class, but a wonderful experience. The meeting today was fairly pointless, just one of those things the students are required to attend. Its a couple weeks from now when I will actually have to talk about my progress with my mentors and teachers. I’ll have to miss work for that too, great. I causally mentioned to one of my teachers today that I was having a great time in Labor and Delivery and that I had already seen one delivery and a c-section. Everyone seemed to wonder why I was even remotely interested in this sort of thing. That’s actually what most people ask me when I tell them about my position. They want to know if I get to observe birth and if it grosses me out. The answers are yes, and no. I was a little worried before the first birth because I didn’t know how I would react. I was fine, no faintness or anything of that sort. Just interest.

It is absolutely amazing how the whole process works. There is a certain moment of the whole thing that just leaves me in awe -when a baby is finally born but attached to the mother and still not moving much. They look like they could be little dolls. Soon the newborn will start moving, it just seems like it’s growing up right in front of you – learning to use his little muscles. Then, in those first moments of the baby’s life, he starts to do something that he will not stop doing until death. He takes his first breath. It’s almost are if you can see the life move into him. For a moment everyone watching is still and the movement of the little chest is all that you can see.  Of course as I’m witnessing this beautiful moment my mind is still buzzing with the thought of all the nonsense that I have to get done that night.

It’s starting to wear on me. My mom was right about me overloading my schedule, but I just can’t say no to it. Saying no to a challenging class is something I have never done. I have to get somewhere in life. Slacking is not going to help. I should stop writing and get to work. So much to do tomorrow. Silly that I still don’t know what exactly I’m working towards. Hopefully by the time my birthday rolls around in the spring I’ll know what’s up college wise. As for the rest of life, I don’t think you ever find out where you’re going. You just go.