Protected: December 17th. December 17, 2010
A bittersweet kind of happy. November 19, 2010
Accepted . It’s not what I wanted it to be. My family is happy, so that makes me happy. Honestly though, I’m not even sure about this whole idea. I like it here, that is for sure, but I don’t really know anything else. I have never set foot on any other college campuses that I even like. This decision, deciding the setting for my future to unfold in, is unnerving. I hate the idea of regretting a choice as big as this. I think it is why I can’t say no to my father when he asks me to apply to more colleges geared toward the programs that he wants me to be in.
I’m somewhat relieved too though. I have been struggling this year to keep my grades at the same standard they were once at. I know my grades still matter, but the little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I won’t go to college has dulled to a little whisper.
This weekend has overall been very enjoyable. I have made a few new friends and spent the days living the life of a college student. I know that the times that are coming will be rough, but what I have noticed here is that everyone sticks together. Homework is done together and all nighters are done in teams. Friends keep other friends in check.
I haven’t slept for the longest time period of my life today. I think I have been up for 40 hours. That is right 40 hours. I think I’ll just close my eyes until it is time to go somewhere.
My Calculus book just got a haircut. November 16, 2010
It has been shedding sheets of plastic for so long, I decided to just cut them off with my knife. I don’t even know why I carry it around. It really is just a constant reminder of the work I should be doing.
I’ve been finding ways to avoid much thought today. Mindless essays are not going to help. I basically have my title page for my paper due in a few days. I also am running short on time to work on it. We’ll see how this ends up going, I’d rather not ruin a college visit by working on my paper while there.
I have started so many entries for this blog in the past couple days, I just haven’t gotten to completing the thoughts yet. These entries will probably never get published. Maybe I’ll do a quick summary of them like I did in the past. Right now I’m blogging because I have been avoiding it. The lack of numbers on the calendar being white is beginning to bother me so I figured I would change that.
I have actually felt quite some emotion lately due to letting my guard down. One of the things that I was doing this year was counting my tears and remembering why they were shed. The records were easily kept until about a month ago. I think I was at 9 before I lost count. I’m sure its around 30 now. I’ll try again next year I suppose. Thinking about this is rather silly; I was trying to make a point about avoiding my blog and got off subject. What do people normally do when they are outraged or feeling down? Well, what do bloggers do? We write. I wasn’t ready to try and project my feelings into some kind of coherent entry. Instead I found myself writing very lengthy IMs. It’s nice to have people to talk to.
School-wise, things are going fine. Just what I expected when I saw the numbers slipping lower weeks ago. I’m not failing; that will never happen. I guess I’ve just secured myself a place at an in-state school though.
I miss my family. I don’t know what has been causing me to stay couped up in my room lately. I’m at the lowest productivity level of my life. I don’t do anything interesting up here either. Today I had a conversation with my paternal grandmother, Mama, about the future. It all started with talking to her about abortion. I just wanted to know her views and learned quickly that they were very similar to what mine had been a year ago. The subject turned to adoption. She already knows of my future plans and hates them. Mama is convinced that I will feel the maternal urge at some point in my life. Today though she gave me her reasoning for not wanting to adopt. She feels that the children have unknown blood running through their veins, tainted by the misdoings of the children’s unknown parents. She also feels that the government should be the ones responsible for the upkeep of these children. Her thoughts are shockingly traditional sometimes, even to me. The last thing that we discussed was the topic of marriage. I made it clear that I will never have an arranged marriage. I was so ready to be shot down when I said this after hearing about her views on orphans, but no. Mama was quick to agree that this would be my choice. All I have to do is find someone my family would accept and have the traditional Indian marriage of course. This seems to be something that I could live with. We talked about the age that I should be before I start dating seriously. Mama then went on to remind me to trust no one. Ever.
She is so right.
This is going to sound silly. October 31, 2010
Sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to listen to myself think. My own thoughts stress me out so much that I just become nonfunctional. For the last couple days I have had a few things pressing my mind.
Going vegan for a week was a spontaneous idea. No, I was not watching PETA videos or looking up the milk production process. I just walked into my room and saw Sophie, my lovely teddy bear, on the floor. This made me think of how careless I was with how I treated her, which in turn led my thoughts to the treatment of animals. I have been a vegetarian my basically my whole life. I have never even tasted most types of meat. Does it mean that I should have no guilt when it came to all the stuff PETA whines about? No. Even being a vegetarian, my life is still not cruelty free. This thought does not cross my mind often enough. I know that I will not be able to be vegan for my whole life; I don’t have that much will-power. A friend asked earlier today why I was doing this. My answer was somewhere along the lines of: Even though I will not be a life-long vegan, I will, however, gain awareness for my whole life.
Another completely different thing that has been on my mind: College. Oh how I am ready for the day to come when I am officially a college student. However since colleges cater to those who like to change their minds last minute like myself, I have now idea where this day will be. I wish I had been one of those kids who has wanted to go to the same college since they were 10. But I’m not. Instead I’m like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to choose. The only difference is the amount of gravity this choice will have on my life. My fall back is one of the public colleges in-state. The problem is that I don’t know where my target school is. My reach schools are definitely some of the BS/MD programs I have applied to. I recently took the SAT and ACT. So far I have gotten my SAT scores and they are right at where they need to be: above average and in the top percentiles. Although, I was really hoping that I would wow myself and exceed my achievable goal. What gets me is that scores that ivy league schools look for are achieved by less than 5% of the kids in the country. The top 5%, the academic elite. I have decided that unlike originally planned, I will be applying to no ivy league schools. They require SAT subject tests anyways, of which I have taken none.
Speaking of tests, I have quite a few piling up. I have been in and out of school due to headaches and field trips. I have 4 difficult tests in the next few days. None of which is a no-brainer type of test. Each one will require a large chuck of study time. The grades are very important on these tests because I am on the edge in a couple subjects. I would like A’s please, not the B’s that I’m going to get if I don’t study hard. I talked to my father today about this. He recommended dropping my math class one level down. It would still be an AP class, but slower and more accommodating to my busy schedule. For one of the first times in my life I actually do want to drop to a class that is not the highest level. Too bad it’s too late. My class is 2 chapters ahead of the class that I would have to drop to. We have already finished all the requirements of the class one step down. I don’t think my Calculus teacher would mind at all if I wasn’t in his class; I don’t think he enjoys my presence much anyways. I saw him at a play that I promised my sister I would take her to at my school.
My apologies to you, blog. October 27, 2010
I have once again meandered to another medium. Don’t get me wrong. I love hearing the clicking of the keys as my thoughts spill across the screen. But lately, I have been working on my cursive handwriting. I rather enjoy using that for my most random thoughts. The feeling of a pen glide smoothly across paper cannot be replaced (the look of it is also very beautiful and it makes my writing sort of look scholarly even though it’s not). The silly thing is that I always think to myself “I must remember to blog about this tonight as well.” When I do try, as I do every night, I just end up with something very incoherent which lacks substance. Maybe it’s because I’ve already written it and the thoughts have left my head. I’m not much a fan of copying things to here either. I think of my blog and journal as two children that are in competition for my attention. It would not be fair to make one share it’s prize with the other.
I think the topics I have attempted to cover include consistency, what the characteristics of a grown up are, my silly teenage moments, the lack of meaning in the speech of politicians, and the absurdities of religious traditions. My thoughts:
Consistency is what makes a person valuable – doing something great once is fantastic, but doing something wonderful many times is what gives people definition.
Grownups have jobs or some self-created purpose, know what is important to them in life, and use their experience to guide them. Very loose definition, right?
As much as I would like to think that I’m ready to be out of high school, the truth is that I need to pick up a few more vital skills. Not procrastinating perhaps.
Politicians are so ridiculous. Yes that was a blanket statement. There is no way that a person happens to have the exact same views as the party they run for. Why do so many of them pretend to? I hate parties.
Stars are wondrous, yes. I can not even begin to wrap my head around the concept of their formation and life. Does this mean I should make offerings to them to ask for a good husband? I think not. I do it anyways. Tradition is important to my family.
There. 5 days in 1. Tomorrow is going to be a death day. SAT scores come out from the one I took a few weeks ago. I have a monster Economics test. And lastly I have a Paradise Lost test. I think I shall go to bed now and wake up at 3.
SAT and life around it March 13, 2010
SAT is always capitalized. It makes it look so much more important. So much more intimidating. I planned my whole weekend around those three letters. And now that its over and the stress of that is gone, I have to deal with all the school work that I pushed out of the way because of the SAT. How do I think I did after the 2 days of no thoughts other than SAT?
Alright. I had read examples of 6s for essays and I finished with way too much time so I went back and added to mine, I think I just made my maybe a 6 to a definite 4. After that shaky start I went straight into a math section which boosted my confidence. I finished the next 6 sections feeling like a winner. This was until I came to a second grid-in. I thought about it and realized that it meant that one of them was experimental, but which one. On one, I got every single problem right, on the other, I missed 3. The only 3 problems that I didn’t know how to do in math in all of the SAT. I really hope that it was an experimental section and won’t be counted. After that I had 3 more sections to go and really had to pee. During the break I tried to calm myself down, but the worry had already kicked in. The next three sections were a struggle and I feel that I did average on, about the same as before. So did I reach my goal of 2000? We’ll find out in 3 or 4 weeks.
To push that out of my mind, I was going to go to starbuck’s with one of my girlfriends who had also taken the SAT. GIRLFRIEND. Not the random stalker of one of my other girlfriends. I just happen to be nice to him, he followed along. This ruined the mood of my girlfriend’s boyfriend, and they had a 30 second fight which ended up bothering her for the rest of the day. She is probably still cleaning up some of the mess. My question coming from all this is why. Why do people think that their friend’s friends are their friends too? Why do they not realize that they are causing tension?
We did manage to have fun. The two of us plus one. We went to my place of work and got my check and some fries. Some of which were so large that they reminded us of some male anatomy. We laughed and did want girls do, by the time we were ready to go to Starbuck’s my other girlfriend called. She was free and could come with us. This is the same girl whose stalker was with us. So we all met up at Starbuck’s and my GF (from SAT) and I made sure to sit between my other GF and her stalker. We did this for a few reasons. Some of which include: my GF has a boyfriend. That boyfriend is also a close friend. This GF likes to flirt, enough were it can strain relationships. Even sitting across the table from her, this girl’s stalker still managed to get physical. He stuck out his legs to tough hers. When GF from the SAT and I saw this we immediately threw our own legs into the mix. I also have failed to mention that there was a creeper sitting 3 feet away from us at this time. He kept joining conversations and making comments. We left the cafe with a little bit of a caffeine rush and a general creeped out feeling.
I then went to GF from SAT’s house and we chilled for 2 hours. I was really tired and not very entertaining. Then GF #2’s boyfriend called and said that she had informed him that I needed help on WebAssign for Physics. I finished it at GF from SAT’s house and then left. (or she kicked me out, haha)
I came home to see the list of stuff to do on my mirror. This is why junior year is called the hardest. Its all about juggling the intense school work and all the extra stuff thrown at you for college in the years ahead. I’m just afraid that I might lose my balance and trip.
It’s been awhile. October 5, 2009
Since I last blogged or well actually blogged. You’d be amazed at the number of times where I will randomly start to come up with what I’m going to write about and get well into the topic in my head, then fail to write about it. These things are always the more touchy topics that you have to word carefully when you write. Recently I have been made to read some random articles, one of which used an interesting technique to make a point. Instead of actually saying something was outragoues, the author wrote about another ridiculous topic, and briefly compared it to the real point. Its hard to explain. But if you have time on your hands and you would like to read something very peculiar, here is the link: http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html
On a different topic, House was oh so intriguing today. House had a patient who if cured would go on to lead a genocide. Each doctor except for House and Foreman struggled with the concept. That really only leaves Cuddy, Chase, and Cameron (Mrs. Chase?). Since Cuddy made her opinion clear and stayed out of it, it really only left two doctors who showed their view point. The way Cameron thought it was okay to let him die, and the way Chase thought they should treat the patient. Of course the end was different, as it always is. I loved that this episode gave me something to think about, but I hate that it came so early in the season. I wish I could have gotten to see how House took it now that he’s been “fixed.” If the writers had only gave him his license back first….
The meaning of “scandalous” has changed. September 24, 2009
It was “Decade Day” at school. I wore a long poodle skirt from the 50s and makeup that took to long to put on. When I got to class I noticed my teacher had a poodle skirt on as well, but hers only came to just below her knees, this would have been scandalous at the time.
Nowadays, there is almost nothing when it comes to clothing that is scandalous. We have seen it all, or in in some cases haven’t seen clothing at all. It interesting how little one can wear in public, but nudism is still shunned. I understand the message of nudism, but personally I would never be comfortable enough to do it. I was thinking about this as I was changing from my fifties outfit into something more acceptable for my job at a cafe. I shimmed out of that long shielding skirt and back into the acceptable shorts of today and a T-shirt.
When I got home this became an issue. My father who is very traditional asked about why I would wear something so casual to work, even if I’m just cleaning and taking orders. He said that no one dressed as ridiculous as me. This is coming from a father who asked why I did not dress in 50s clothing everyday. I took this opportunity to open his eyes to how many of his clothing restrictions that I have followed in the past and still do. I have been careful about skirt lengths my whole life, made sure necklines weren’t too low, and struggled to find tank tops that weer acceptable. He really didn’t understand what short shorts were. This have gotten to the point were one may have to question weather something is inner wear or outerwear and he is concerned with my modest running shorts.
This brings me to another thing that I noticed today. My entire family tends to point out that my clothing is inappropriate when it is just regular stuff. As soon as I put on a traditional eastern outfit, the only thing that I can possibly be reprimanded about is wearing the wrong color. People always say to pick and chose your battles, but sometime things are just go hand in hand. If I am allowed to wear a top that exposes half of my stomach, then why not a tank top that only exposes the shoulders? Before today I had just accepted this fact and laughed about it many times. But today, after that little argument, it stayed at the back of my mind bothering me.
To my father, anything that makes me look my age is scandalous. To my grandparents, anything causal is scandalous. To me, anything that could be mistaken for underwear is scandalous. To the world? The only type of scandals left related to clothing are wardrobe malfunctions or lack of clothing altogether.