This song has been stuck in my head all day long. Just a few more days until I can see one of the most important people in my life. Smiling is what defines our relationship; even during our tough times there have been tearful smiles. I really wonder why though that a few weeks ago I began to miss him so much. I was fine before that knowing that I would see him when I see him. I’m sure it relates to the backwards steps that I feel I have taken since this summer when I started to think about things differently, when I started to grow up. Instead of becoming more mature, I have spiraled downward to where I am now. It sort of makes me nervous to think that I won’t be able to get back up to my wonderfully productive days; I miss the days that consisted of school, work, internship, homework, sleep. Well really I miss the ability to excel during those days. Busyness used to define me, now I’m just burned out.
This morning I woke to the shrill sound of my phone alarm. I was annoyed that my phone was buried under the mountain of blankets and pillows that I sleep with. After locating it and taking one look at my phone I saw that today was going to be just as awful as yesterday. I hurried to call my friend and get her to my house so I could drive her to school. We needed to talk.
It turned out to be not so bad though. I was just scared of everyone being mad at me for being so weak.
Talking about things used to be so easy. These days I find myself just wanting to curl up with a blanket and paper to get things out. I can feel myself slipping away. I remember the dreadful days of sophomore year. That is a time in my life that I don’t want to think about let alone repeat.
The vagueness of my future is really getting to me. Ambition really used to drive me. What happen? I’m just looking for definition in my life I guess. In every way possible.