The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

A bittersweet kind of happy. November 19, 2010

Filed under: friends,school — teddygrams @ 9:49 pm
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Accepted . It’s not what I wanted it to be. My family is happy, so that makes me happy. Honestly though, I’m not even sure about this whole idea. I like it here, that is for sure, but I don’t really know anything else. I have never set foot on any other college campuses that I even like. This decision, deciding the setting for my future to unfold in, is unnerving. I hate the idea of regretting a choice as big as this. I think it is why I can’t say no to my father when he asks me to apply to more colleges geared toward the programs that he wants me to be in.

I’m somewhat relieved too though. I have been struggling this year to keep my grades at the same standard they were once at. I know my grades still matter, but the little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I won’t go to college has dulled to a little whisper.

This weekend has overall been very enjoyable. I have made a few new friends and spent the days living the life of a college student. I know that the times that are coming will be rough, but what I have noticed here is that everyone sticks together. Homework is done together and all nighters are done in teams. Friends keep other friends in check.

I haven’t slept for the longest time period of my life today. I think I have been up for 40 hours. That is right 40 hours. I think I’ll just close my eyes until it is time to go somewhere.


My Calculus book just got a haircut. November 16, 2010

It has been shedding sheets of plastic for so long, I decided to just cut them off with my knife. I don’t even know why I carry it around. It really is just a constant reminder of the work I should be doing.

I’ve been finding ways to avoid much thought today. Mindless essays are not going to help. I basically have my title page for my paper due in a few days. I also am running short on time to work on it. We’ll see how this ends up going, I’d rather not ruin a college visit by working on my paper while there.

I have started so many entries for this blog in the past couple days, I just haven’t gotten to completing the thoughts yet. These entries will probably never get published. Maybe I’ll do a quick summary of them like I did in the past. Right now I’m blogging because I have been avoiding it. The lack of numbers on the calendar being white is beginning to bother me so I figured I would change that.

I have actually felt quite some emotion lately due to letting my guard down. One of the things that I was doing this year was counting my tears and remembering why they were shed. The records were easily kept until about a month ago. I think I was at 9 before I lost count. I’m sure its around 30 now. I’ll try again next year I suppose. Thinking about this is rather silly; I was trying to make a point about avoiding my blog and got off subject. What do people normally do when they are outraged or feeling down? Well, what do bloggers do? We write. I wasn’t ready to try and project my feelings into some kind of coherent entry. Instead I found myself writing very lengthy IMs. It’s nice to have people to talk to.

School-wise, things are going fine. Just what I expected when I saw the numbers slipping lower weeks ago. I’m not failing; that will never happen. I guess I’ve just secured myself a place at an in-state school though.

I miss my family. I don’t know what has been causing me to stay couped up in my room lately. I’m at the lowest productivity level of my life. I don’t do anything interesting up here either. Today I had a conversation with my paternal grandmother, Mama, about the future. It all started with talking to her about abortion. I just wanted to know her views and learned quickly that they were very similar to what mine had been a year ago. The subject turned to adoption. She already knows of my future plans and hates them. Mama is convinced that I will feel the maternal urge at some point in my life. Today though she gave me her reasoning for not wanting to adopt. She feels that the children have unknown blood running through their veins, tainted by the misdoings of the children’s unknown parents. She also feels that the government should be the ones responsible for the upkeep of these children. Her thoughts are shockingly traditional sometimes, even to me. The last thing that we discussed was the topic of marriage. I made it clear that I will never have an arranged marriage. I was so ready to be shot down when I said this after hearing about her views on orphans, but no. Mama was quick to agree that this would be my choice. All I have to do is find someone my family would accept and have the traditional Indian marriage of course. This seems to be something that I could live with. We talked about the age that I should be before I start dating seriously.  Mama then went on to remind me to trust no one. Ever.

She is so right.



Protected: I miss you. November 7, 2010

Filed under: letters — teddygrams @ 10:30 pm
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This is going to sound silly. October 31, 2010

Filed under: issues,life,school — teddygrams @ 9:07 pm
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Sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to listen to myself think. My own thoughts stress me out so much that I just become nonfunctional. For the last couple days I have had a few things pressing my mind.

Going vegan for a week was a spontaneous idea. No, I was not watching PETA videos or looking up the milk production process. I just walked into my room and saw Sophie, my lovely teddy bear, on the floor. This made me think of how careless I was with how I treated her, which in turn led my thoughts to the treatment of animals. I have been a vegetarian my basically my whole life. I have never even tasted most types of meat. Does it mean that I should have no guilt when it came to all the stuff PETA whines about? No. Even being a vegetarian, my life is still not cruelty free. This thought does not cross my mind often enough. I know that I will not be able to be vegan for my whole life; I don’t have that much will-power. A friend asked earlier today why I was doing this. My answer was somewhere along the lines of: Even though I will not be a life-long vegan, I will, however, gain awareness for my whole life.

Another completely different thing that has been on my mind: College. Oh how I am ready for the day to come when I am officially a college student. However since colleges cater to those who like to change their minds last minute like myself, I have now idea where this day will be. I wish I had been one of those kids who has wanted to go to the same college since they were 10. But I’m not. Instead I’m like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to choose. The only difference is the amount of gravity this choice will have on my life. My fall back is one of the public colleges in-state. The problem is that I don’t know where my target school is. My reach schools are definitely some of the BS/MD programs I have applied to. I recently took the SAT and ACT. So far I have gotten my SAT scores and they are right at where they need to be: above average and in the top percentiles. Although, I was really hoping that I would wow myself and exceed my achievable goal. What gets me is that scores that ivy league schools look for are achieved by less than 5% of the kids in the country. The top 5%, the academic elite.    I have decided that unlike originally planned, I will be applying to no ivy league schools. They require SAT subject tests anyways, of which I have taken none.

Speaking of tests, I have quite a few piling up. I have been in and out of school due to headaches and field trips. I have 4 difficult tests in the next few days. None of which is a no-brainer type of test. Each one will require a large chuck of study time. The grades are very important on these tests because I am on the edge in a couple subjects. I would like A’s please, not the B’s that I’m going to get if I don’t study hard. I talked to my father today about this. He recommended dropping my math class one level down. It would still be an AP class, but slower and more accommodating to my busy schedule. For one of the first times in my life I actually do want to drop to a class that is not the highest level. Too bad it’s too late. My class is 2 chapters ahead of the class that I would have to drop to. We have already finished all the requirements of the class one step down. I don’t think my Calculus teacher would mind at all if I wasn’t in his class; I don’t think he enjoys my presence much anyways. I saw him at a play that I promised my sister I would take her to at my school.


I’m Sprinting. October 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 6:57 pm
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To somewhere. Just not sure yet. Each day is just consumed by things I NEED to do. Some of the time those needs line up with my wants so it’s nice. Today is hectic and everything is going to roll right into tomorrow. I missed Monday so I spent the day getting caught up and arranging make-up work. As soon as the time came to leave school  I hurried to find my friends and we went to an internship meeting. My internship teachers have to give us the same presentation every year so it was a little bit of a drag. When I got home I saw some messages from work asking where I had been. I realized the person who I thought was going to work, did not. Dang. So well, I may not be in the best standing right now. It’s okay though. I have other things to worry about.

Internship is a silly class, but a wonderful experience. The meeting today was fairly pointless, just one of those things the students are required to attend. Its a couple weeks from now when I will actually have to talk about my progress with my mentors and teachers. I’ll have to miss work for that too, great. I causally mentioned to one of my teachers today that I was having a great time in Labor and Delivery and that I had already seen one delivery and a c-section. Everyone seemed to wonder why I was even remotely interested in this sort of thing. That’s actually what most people ask me when I tell them about my position. They want to know if I get to observe birth and if it grosses me out. The answers are yes, and no. I was a little worried before the first birth because I didn’t know how I would react. I was fine, no faintness or anything of that sort. Just interest.

It is absolutely amazing how the whole process works. There is a certain moment of the whole thing that just leaves me in awe -when a baby is finally born but attached to the mother and still not moving much. They look like they could be little dolls. Soon the newborn will start moving, it just seems like it’s growing up right in front of you – learning to use his little muscles. Then, in those first moments of the baby’s life, he starts to do something that he will not stop doing until death. He takes his first breath. It’s almost are if you can see the life move into him. For a moment everyone watching is still and the movement of the little chest is all that you can see.  Of course as I’m witnessing this beautiful moment my mind is still buzzing with the thought of all the nonsense that I have to get done that night.

It’s starting to wear on me. My mom was right about me overloading my schedule, but I just can’t say no to it. Saying no to a challenging class is something I have never done. I have to get somewhere in life. Slacking is not going to help. I should stop writing and get to work. So much to do tomorrow. Silly that I still don’t know what exactly I’m working towards. Hopefully by the time my birthday rolls around in the spring I’ll know what’s up college wise. As for the rest of life, I don’t think you ever find out where you’re going. You just go.