TeddyGrams

The Secrets You Tell Your Teddybear.

I’m limiting my choices. November 28, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 10:59 pm

The decision is made. I will not be applying to any more colleges. There is one exception and that is only if I have a really good chance of getting in. There is no way I can afford to go out-of-state. Vanderbilt, Duke, Stanford, and Hopkins are now off the list. UGA or GT. This is the choice I am giving myself.

That’s all. I have things to do now.

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Christmas lights.

Have this unmatched capability to make me angry with my family. Every year, I get mad at the sloppy work of who ever decided to put them up. This year, it was me. My sister came home and asked with a slight tone of surprise “Did you put the lights up? They look really bad.” See the way it works is that one person decides to get them out, untangle them, sort them, make up some kind of plan, and then puts it all together. That one person always ends up doing a terrible job so my sister and/or I go and correct them the next day. It has become an unspoken tradition.

I had been locked in my room for days, leaving only for work, family, or very special friends. My dad even commented on how he hasn’t seem me for the longest time. I think he was a little worried. I put a smile on and told him I was going to the library and the park to get some reading done. Bad mistake. The library closed at 5pm apparently. I thought it was at 6, the fact that it was Sunday did not occur to me. I saw a couple friends there I wish I hadn’t. I turned and went to my  favorite swing. There I read some of Frankenstein.  I did my best to focus. I was getting into the book when I noticed that my face was wet. The book no longer held my attention, instead I let myself fall back into thought. My thoughts shifted to the previous times I had been on that swing. There was the project to clean up the park; there was the time I  ran into some students in classes I had helped; there was the time I just wanted to get away from it all; there was a time I ran into a guy and his family; and the time when I was just people watching. I’m sure I’ve been to that place more than I can remember. It’s been a spot I’ve loved since my previous neighbor’s grand daughter had been my best friend. We used to swing on those swings together when Ms. Carmen took her walks. We used to have Candy (my neighbor’s dog) wait near the fence and swing backwards looking at her.

I decided it was time to leave that place within 20 minutes of arriving. During the walk back to the truck I thought about where I wanted to be. Not just where I wanted to drive to at that moment, but where I wanted to be in life. It’s a difficult thing to explain. I decided to go to the gazebo that my friend and I share as a place to think and talk, during the drive there I realized the amount of time I was allowing myself to be free to think about whatever I wanted was holding me down. I needed some sort of distraction to occupy my mind.Christmas lights were what I thought of first, so I decided to head home instead.

I guess school should have that  covered until winter break. I doubt it will though.

 

I woke up with a bag of cookies next to me.

Filed under: dreams — teddygrams @ 2:36 pm
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The last thing before I went to sleep was not brush my teeth or wash my face, it was stuff a cookie into my mouth. I woke up and continued. After the second cookie I thought about it. My emotional eating has to stop.

I’ve been having strange dreams lately. Last nights dream was some odd version of reality. I had a baby, and named her Hope. The thought of that dumb TV show never crossed my mind, I realized they were the same name once I woke up. Anyways this child’s father did not exist. Within the dream I tried to figure out who it could be but failed, all of my friends just came to mind. My FRIENDS. What? I’m talking about all of the girls and guys close to me. I just decided that this baby didn’t have a father. I didn’t actually dream about being pregnant or giving birth, she just appeared while I was in the middle of a dream about a family vacation.  Hope was a little girl with blonde curly hair (so cliche – angelic golden curls). She remained an infant for most of my dream. She was a little secret within our family. My grandparents took care of her while I was out of the house doing my day to day things. When I came home, everything changed. I took care of her and did my homework, and when it was time to sleep I tried for a few nights to have her sleep in this yellow crib next to me, but she preferred to sleep on my bed. I gave up pillows for her that I love pilled on my bed. The focus of the dream then shifted to war, it was coming and I was worried. After a day of watching grim news I came home to find Hope had become a miniature adult, she had skipped every stage of growth and was now just a tiny person. I had suspected it was a dream that I was in to begin with but now I was sure.  She could walk and played hide and seek with her to test her skills with staying hidden. I continued to wrap her in a blanket and carry her, she did not object. When we got to my room she asked why I was so looked so worried. I thought about how innocent she was, she knew no history. She knew nothing about the dangers of the world. But I told her, I told her of war; I don’t know why but I focused on WWII in particular, it just seemed to be a prime example of all the hate in the world. I explained situations in Korea. She didn’t worry, she just comforted me. It was when Hope did this that I realized my whole life had become about her. I spoke to no one extraneously. I focused solely on her.

I didn’t like this and I woke up to see that it was well into the afternoon. I have been sleeping my life away. Dreams are becoming my new friends.

 

My heart hurts.

Filed under: Uncategorized — teddygrams @ 1:03 am

It really does. Sure there has been a lot of teenage nonsense going on in my life lately, but my heart really hurts. I’m suffering from a broken heart, I guess. Not from a boy, I still live by the same “don’t give boys enough of you to break your heart.” ideal. When I breathe, my right lung takes in air so much easier than the left. This all sounds so pitiful. Maybe it has something to do with the fact all I’ve eaten today is a bunch of cookies. Laughing hurts.