It has been shedding sheets of plastic for so long, I decided to just cut them off with my knife. I don’t even know why I carry it around. It really is just a constant reminder of the work I should be doing.
I’ve been finding ways to avoid much thought today. Mindless essays are not going to help. I basically have my title page for my paper due in a few days. I also am running short on time to work on it. We’ll see how this ends up going, I’d rather not ruin a college visit by working on my paper while there.
I have started so many entries for this blog in the past couple days, I just haven’t gotten to completing the thoughts yet. These entries will probably never get published. Maybe I’ll do a quick summary of them like I did in the past. Right now I’m blogging because I have been avoiding it. The lack of numbers on the calendar being white is beginning to bother me so I figured I would change that.
I have actually felt quite some emotion lately due to letting my guard down. One of the things that I was doing this year was counting my tears and remembering why they were shed. The records were easily kept until about a month ago. I think I was at 9 before I lost count. I’m sure its around 30 now. I’ll try again next year I suppose. Thinking about this is rather silly; I was trying to make a point about avoiding my blog and got off subject. What do people normally do when they are outraged or feeling down? Well, what do bloggers do? We write. I wasn’t ready to try and project my feelings into some kind of coherent entry. Instead I found myself writing very lengthy IMs. It’s nice to have people to talk to.
School-wise, things are going fine. Just what I expected when I saw the numbers slipping lower weeks ago. I’m not failing; that will never happen. I guess I’ve just secured myself a place at an in-state school though.
I miss my family. I don’t know what has been causing me to stay couped up in my room lately. I’m at the lowest productivity level of my life. I don’t do anything interesting up here either. Today I had a conversation with my paternal grandmother, Mama, about the future. It all started with talking to her about abortion. I just wanted to know her views and learned quickly that they were very similar to what mine had been a year ago. The subject turned to adoption. She already knows of my future plans and hates them. Mama is convinced that I will feel the maternal urge at some point in my life. Today though she gave me her reasoning for not wanting to adopt. She feels that the children have unknown blood running through their veins, tainted by the misdoings of the children’s unknown parents. She also feels that the government should be the ones responsible for the upkeep of these children. Her thoughts are shockingly traditional sometimes, even to me. The last thing that we discussed was the topic of marriage. I made it clear that I will never have an arranged marriage. I was so ready to be shot down when I said this after hearing about her views on orphans, but no. Mama was quick to agree that this would be my choice. All I have to do is find someone my family would accept and have the traditional Indian marriage of course. This seems to be something that I could live with. We talked about the age that I should be before I start dating seriously. Mama then went on to remind me to trust no one. Ever.
She is so right.